David.

Today. I graduated. But my mind has been with my David all day. If he reads this...which he might not. I am going to New Mexico for a little bit before I head off. I will see you but you might not see me. I know that are a trying to be happy and move on. So I might not get in the way again, like I always do. You are amazing. I miss you. And wish with all my heart that you would've been here. But alas reality sets back in. I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return. Well I don't know if I believe that's true. But I know I'm who I am today because I knew David Clifton Hartshorn. Because I know you David I have been changed for good.

I hope you call tonight. 

Busy Day

You told me not to write.

But I have to somewhere, I had a good day. It was busy and full of people. Which is just what I need. I am glad that so many people love me. Sometimes I feel like you have died or something with the way people act when I bring you up. But I know that they are just uncomfortable and don't know how to respond and that is alright. I love them still anyway.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and tell you that I hope today was better. I hope you got back up on your feet and tried. I hope you know that I love you, and am proud of you. Proud of the man you are becoming.

When we talked today I felt better, not because I talked to you or anything like that. (Well it might have been partly that) but it was because you said you can't see yourself marrying anyone else. And I know that might be selfish, but I felt peace from that.

I really do feel Heavenly Father's hand in this decision. That He will take care of us as long as we stick close to Him. At this point I am really hoping He brings us back together when the time is right, but I also know that if I stay close to Him it won't matter. I hope that you are doing well David.

I love you.

Punky

Missing you.

I'm lying in bed looking at your stars.
I hope you read this.
I hope when I see you, you are as excited as I am.
I hope you feel my prayers for you.
I hope you feel the love I have been feeling.
Baby, you are what I miss.
But you aren't so much what I need anymore.
I feel myself changing everyday.
Little by little.
I feel the Savior.
I did service today,
I worked out
I ate heathy.
I got my hw done.
I did Fhe.
I listened to lots of conference talks.
I prayed.
I read the Book of Mormon.
I told myself to think about The Savuor more.

However, sometimes I wonder why the world we can't talk..
But maybe that's just it. It's not in this world we are suppose to talk.
I have only talked to one person who was outside this world with me.
That was and is you my love.

I miss you heart.
I miss your smell.
I miss your arms holding me close:
I miss your voice. Oh how I long to hear your voice. But I look at this as a fast.
A way to connect with God.

My dearest sleep well tonight.
Say your prayers. I prayed for you.
I always do.
I have been more now though...more and more.

I can not wait to see your handsome face in three short days. 

Senior Year Morning.

It is the morning of another journey back up to BYU-Idaho where I am very close to being done. I am hoping that this is my last fall semester at this particular establishment, but you never know. I always feel very lethargic when making this trip. Thinking of the past and the future. In this case I would be thinking about the past summer I had. And all that came with it. I know that I was blessed many times to be able to have the summer I did.

One highlight of the summer was being able to spend some of it with my sister. I love seeing her grow up. She is such an example to me when I think about how we use to be, (I'm sure you all can relate) it makes me very happy that we became friends and now would choose to spend time with each other over many things. She truly is one of the funniest, wittiest, cleverest, most caring, kind hearted souls I have ever come in contact with. She feels deeply and writes beautifully. I am so glad I got to see her on stage in Beauty and the Beast. I could feel her energy from the audience and I don't doubt that she gave it her all every night. She is seriously so beautiful.

Another highlight, that in the moment I wasn't so keen about, was working. There are many things I enjoyed about this job I had. I worked at a mine and I enjoyed the things I learned about myself there, I learned that I can wake up every morning at 4:45 if I go to bed early, and I am able to do both. I learned that I can deal with awful bosses who I just don't get along with. I learned that my dad is one of the best bosses in the world, and has made himself an amazing name at this company. I learned that God truly does hand pick people to put in your life when He knows you will struggle. I think about it now and...you know those things that in the moment you think it would never end and you pray every night that something will happen and you will get put in a different situation magically? Well that is how I felt all summer about this job. But! Looking back, (as it always happens) I chose to only see the good, as it should be. I hope that I am able to do that with every job.

The biggest highlight of this summer was every night, every second, I got to spend with the love of my life. For his willingness to move down to my hometown with me. I love every single time I was able to connect with him. What he taught me about myself this summer. i love him for that. But you all already know how I feel about him so go read it in another post. But I do know that that was my biggest highlight.

I hope for my future, my near future. That I am able to, find a wedding dress, plan my wedding, eat/cook good food, figure out how to love cooking, get really fit, make some more money, become closer to my Savior, not miss David too much, become reacquainted with myself, and help David as much as I possibly can.

I really am excited for this semester and all that it will bring. I hope that I can just become a little better, help some people, and eat lots of good food. Mandarin here I come.

David, I miss you my love.

People.

I wanted to continue on my "Beautiful People" post and talk about some more people in my life. 

Jacquelyn Dalquhist. I tell her daily, that she is one of the weirdest people I have ever met. I guess what I mean to say to her is that she astounds me with some of her comments. They are some of the funniest things I have ever heard a person speak in my life. But this summer of my life would have been drastically different without her there. She has a light, and in the LDS church you hear this often. But in her case, it is truly a sight that you see and feel. Jackie is so positive it makes me want to be a better, happier person. I am very grateful for her in my life. 

David Clifton Hartshorn. People often ask me, what I love most about David, and you know what? The best answer I have is that "I love David, because he loves me, and the Lord so much." But I don't think it makes sense to people how important that is to me. I feel like I am changing my life for this man and I wouldn't do so for someone I didn't think loved me very much. In this case people, he acts on it every single day of his life. He strives to be better. I love how he makes me feel, that I am never bored of him, that I laugh at his silliness, that he always says hi back. David has given me a life that I never thought possible. Sure I imagined my life as a happy one, but this way I never thought would be my life. I am just more at peace with the world and all that is in it, when I know that he is near and watching me. I know that David loves me. I know that he loves his Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that he would do anything for both of us, and because of that I am more than willing to do all I can to make him as happy and loved as he has made me. He honestly is the best thing that has happened to me. I love you Cliff. 

I hope that as I write the next few months that you all will feel my emotions. That I will be able to express myself. I am very closed off as of recently, and wish to be more open and loving. I hope I am able to serve. 

I hope you all know how lucky you are to be alive. Remember that. Feel all you are wishing for. Do all you are able. Love as much as you possibly can.

Happy.

"There are moments in this life
When you can't fake it." - Do Not Let Me Go by Joshua Hyslop.

This post isn't going to be a sad one. I am tired of showing that side of myself to you all. I promise you I am a very happy person. I have always had very many reasons to be happy. I am planning on tell you some of those reasons right now.

One of the biggest reasons I am happy, if not the biggest reason, is because of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the gospel doctrine it teaches me. My testimony of my Father in Heaven is my beacon in the dark, He's the reason I am living. Today is a day that we fast for something, fasting is just a little extra help from Heavenly Father. The point of it is to essentially "starve" the natural man in us all to make more room for our souls to thrive and gain more insight from our loving Father. I believe that everything else that I list is because of this first one. I know that Christ died for me, so that I could have the happiness my soul so craved in the pre-mortal life.

Now that I have said why these beautiful additions are in my life I can say who they are, my family. Words cannot express the many feelings I feel for each member of my family. Not only my immediate family, but everyone, my grandma, cousins, great grandparents, and so on. They all have made some choice that one way or another has impacted my life and for that I am very grateful to them for helping me make it a good one, for their persistence, mostly though for my immediate family, for my little sissy, for the things I have learned from and about her and will learn. I'm grateful for her amazing personality in my life. Also for the love that she has for me and I have for her, it made my junior and senior years of high school full of light. For my oldest brother, Bo-bo, although you have been gone for it seems like decades Bo, I still remember your silly attitude, crazy temper (at times), and love for fun, your family, and doing what was right and good. Thank you for your love. Thank you for working so hard where you are. We can feel it Bo, we really can. And we miss you. For Tanner. my older brother, he just recently became engaged, I am thrilled for him and his finace. Tan, you did it brother, as much as I thought at times, there was going to have to be a miracle for you to choose a wife, I see now, it was just that. And that love is truly a miracle for anyone. You my brother are a miracle after all the near death experiences you've had and the times when I thought you had given up on this gem we call love, you go to china looking for just that, you seemed like you were digging deep bro, I hope that you found what you were looking for. It seems you have, I hope that you and I become close again. I miss you.

Mom, well honestly there is nothing I can express in mere words that tells you all how much love our mother has for the children she has bore, raised, and molded. Everyday I am who I am because of the childhood my mother provided, for the pure and sweet love my mother shows me, for the attitude she has in hard times, for the beacon she is to many people around her. She is the closest person I know to superwomen and I imagine she wouldn't agree with that statement, but that is what we call humility. I love you momma. Papa, for every family member there is definitely a different love, a different feel for them, but for my dad, it is entirely different. My father is a man that shows love more abundantly in such interesting ways, he loves his wife, very much. He is trying his hardest to show that love and act on it as well, he loves his children, each one of them with a specific love that he has developed over the years of giving his all to provide for us each day. My dad and I's relationship is always developing every time I call, think of him, and by the things I try to do for him. I love my daddy. Heavenly Father definitely knew what he was doing when He gave me the parents He did.

Quickly want to mention some friends, Courtney, Caitlin, Katelyn, Geoffery Brown, Brittnay Teare, Bekah, Becca Robinson. One way or another all these people have not only touched my life, but altered it recently, life is an amazing ride when you keep changing seats and meeting the most amazing souls. These souls are just that.

Honestly, I know for a fact that these next few words aren't going to come close to the things I have felt these past few months, and year with him. Now for the sappy love part, brace yourselves. David Clifton Hartshorn. This man is the closest person I have to a real angel. I imagine that in the beginning God saw all the good things that I have done up to my life and combined them to get someone who was half the man David is. I guess the other half I have gained is because of the mercy of my loving Father. David's influence on me is life changing. I know that they are directly from my Father in Heaven and that is why it is so close to the core of my very being. I believe the line in Les Miserables to be true: "To love someone, is to see the face of God" This rings true to my heart these last couple months. The first time I saw David after the true separation we had, I felt like I did the first time I truly saw David's sou. A couple nights ago we were driving to my grandparents grave just to talk and check in with each other, when while we were driving, I felt a distinct voice tell me, "Chelsea, you truly do love him unconditionally." I looked back at him and remember thinking, it begins. I was completely full. I was completely and utterly full of a love that I have never experienced for another human being, it was beautifully perfect. The crazy thing about life is that we have those moments. Moments of bewitchment, and then the next there is some opposition. In that moment I knew there was also going to be opposition for this feeling. I wished more than anything for it to not come, pleaded, but to no avail. Opposition came, but the thing about it is that at the end of those hard, long, weeks is sunday. The day of the Lord and David and I know that God is the one who allows all of these to happen, and we know that the love will return when we are trying. And it did the next morning we were making breakfast and he was being so funny and perfect that I remembered that love. I remembered why I was on this earth. I have never had more moments with someone in my existence on this earth. I plan on enduring, living and loving with David by my side. It makes me life worth it. I can't imagine it any other way now.

So! Now that we all know what I am thinking again. I hope everyone who reads this knows of the happiness of my soul, and that is truly from the Atonement of Christ. I am thankful everyday for it, and Him. And my David.

Update on Goals.

Things have changed a bit since writing last. I have decided a couple things.

One: I have come to the conclusion that I have never had a "clean slate" when it comes to boys. So what I have decided is telling every guy that may have a crush on me or vis versa about the fact that I am still very much in love with my ex David Hartshorn and I can't/shouldn't have anything with anyone until I am able to give them all I have. And I don't think I will be able to until I let them go. I know how now. There is a part of me that has been changing since David left. I am learning...growing. I honestly think that a part of me is doing this because of David. Cause I...feel like I am being prepared or something...like I am learning all that I need to from him or about him. I know that this may all sound crazy. But I was thinking about the whole coincidence of finding his letters and I think about him everyday (as much as I try not to)...I don't think it is by chance these things keep happening. I think I am being told that someday I might be so blessed. Maybe not with him, but with someone. I know that I am learning though. I think also I am not done with David...I think that he may move on and if so...it might kill me, (that's me being selfish too) but I know that I will be okay. Because my main focus is on my Father in Heaven, and I know that He has told me to do this. To be able to focus on one person. One boy. Give him all of me.

I think I am able to do that because of the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven. He has given me that gift, and for that I am very grateful to Him.

Two: I love my Father in Heaven. I love the things that I am learning on this earth, about all of his creations, people, plants. But mostly plants. I feel close to Him when I am in class. While I am learning and understanding. I know that my life has taken a different turn because I am letting Him in again.

Three: I love my family. I know I have said this many times, but this time it is different. I know that they will love and support me no matter what. Even my father. I love my father. And the man he is now. I know that I will always know that too. My dad has shaped me no matter what I think. So Dad, thanks. I think you have done a good job. I love my mom too. Very much. I love her love for me, it is very unique to our relationship as it should be. I love my brother Joseph, I love his love for us too. Sometimes I know for a fact that my life is being touched by him specifically, so Bo-bo, thank you. I love you very much and forgive you for anything that has happened. I love you Hobo.

So that is it. I am still in love with David, but am focusing on that, and that alone. I have told every boy that, those are my feelings, and I have never done this. I know that I will be able to have a "clean slate" if I do it this way and things don't ever happen with David, which they might not, but that is what I am getting from Heavenly Father right now so that is what I am rolling with.