Last Letter to David Shannon.

Hi babe,

Well, for a while I was thinking "Okay, I am not going to write or think about him or anything" And I was doing okay there for a while, but ha! did my future lay out something a little different for me. The day you broke it off, a boy from SMYC (the youth camp I did) called me just to talk and make me feel better. I don't think he realized how much I was going through at the time. But now he and I have been talking everyday and he came down and visited me on Friday, and we went on a date. Oh my gosh. I couldn't stop thinking about you David. I missed you more in those moments then I ever thought I would. I know that this probably would make you mad, knowing I am talking to other guys and going on dates with them...but after the date, I came home and my dad was there and he just asked me what the heck I was doing? And ya know? I just broke down and realized that I am doing this to get back at you hun. Get back at you for just not wanting me enough to talk it through, for ignoring me. I also realized that I am doing this because, what you did really took a toll on my esteem. And the boy I had dated before you, you know how awful my esteem was after him. Not for the same reasons, but David, in a way this hurts just as much if not more. I feel so helpless and inadequate. The fact that you can just not have anything to do with me, it makes me ache with pain David, that I don't mean or haven't meant enough to you, that you can just shut it off like a pathetic switch.

Now, these letters may seem a bit harsh and awful. But really? I am okay most of the time. Life still goes on. I am happy when I do the things I know I should. So to be happier, this is my last letter to you David. Everything I feel or am going to feel will be for naught. You aren't ever going to read these and I do not think that you are going to want to put up with me in the future, so this isn't really going along with my theme of making a difference, I love you sweetheart. I really always will. But I may not always need you. I am realizing my potential. I know that I was willing to bring some of my potential, to raise you up. But you weren't willing to receive it, so that is fine with me. I do miss you, all the time, and still think about all that we use to do together. But I know that there is someone out there for both of us, to fulfill our purposes on this earth with. And it may not be each other.

I truly, and sincerely hope that you get what you need out of your life. That you live it to your fullest and not waist one moment of it being stressed, complaining, or just being sad. I whole-heartily believe that you can do anything you want. If you want to be a fireman then be a fireman hun. Don't let money get in your way. You and your wife will still be happy David. I also genuinely know that you can be a dentist. Don't stress so much about it sweetie. It helps nothing. And don't let people tell you that it is okay to stress, cause it is not. It's good to care. There is a big difference. I hope that your wife will be able to help you calm down in those situations. I know that you have astounding things to offer this world David, I've seen them first hand. You love and care passionately for those people you come in contact with, you are the most giving person I have met. Thank you for those things you taught me. The number one thing I am most indebted to you is your patience. It is the thing I am looking for in my future husband, if he has your patience then I will marry him, (unless he's like a mass murder or doesn't like movies haha). But I know that, that is the reason why you stuck around as long as you did. Thank you David.

I love you my sweet, wonderful David Science.




I'm sorry I was not what you were looking for.

Always yours,
Chelisa 

Letters to David.

Hello Dear,

So today for some reason I couldn't get you out of my head, what you were doing, why you are doing it, if you were happy, if you were talking to other girls already, if you have given up, if you just didn't care at all, my list is seriously endless. We were walking around in Balboa Park, and I swear I saw you walk around corners at least three times. I miss you so much. I felt like I was going to see you walk around a corner and see your face. I know the minute I see you it's going to change everything. I know that I am going to go either way. I miss you David. 

I know that right now I need to have been moved on, and started my grieving process, but I love you and my life is going to have to completely change if I need to move on. I have been talking to my family so much about it, and I think I need to just hear your voice to know if I should move on, but the fact that you don't even want to talk make me think that maybe all my pain is in vain. I wish we could talk, but I erased your number so that I wouldn't be tempted. I know that I would have talked to you a long time ago if it was still in my phone. 

You being three hours ahead of me has helped as well, at least its closer for you to maybe call me, text me, send me a smoke signal, something! I am dying over here. And I am more nervous to go home, to be alone. I seriously still feel like I am in another universe, and I hate it. I miss you more than anything sweetheart. I love you. And I hope that you will either tell me this is it, or something. Please just get ahold of me. I love you David James. Please help me move on. I'm sorry that I'm such a loony and that I just make your life harder than it should be. And I understand if you need time, but the longer you wait...the farther I'll drift. I'm sorry. I wish, with all my heart, that I would be able to be with you. 

I love you. 

Always yours,

Chels

Letters to David.

Hey baby,

Today I am feeling a little more human, I love hanging out with the family, and bring in Cali...the weather has kind of sealed the deal for me it has been over cast wherever we go. So that's kind of nice. I am still skinnier than I was when all this started. I do sit ups and crunches and such at night but haven't been recently due to my body literally falling apart, but I need to start doing those again.
My sister asked me if I was going to talk to you when I go back up to school again, and you know what? I had no idea what to say to her. I knew that there was a big part of me that wanted to say heck yes and that we were going to date and get married and yada yada, but I know that that isn't plausible to think about. It's bad for my heart. As much as I love you. I know things won't ever be the same again. One thing I always loved about us was that we never gave up on each other and that no matter what we never would...but unfortunately you did. You gave up. And I know that it was me too...but holy crap we gave up. And it cost us a marriage. I'm sorry. I wish with all my heart it wasn't true and how much I miss you is never going to die down.

I miss you.

And I love you David.

Always yours,
Chels

Letters to David

Baby,

Today I am just overwhelmed with how much I miss you. We drove to California today and it was the way that we drove to Cali, twice. I miss you David. So much. As much as I miss you though, I know it will never be the same after this. We will have given each other distance...and with that comes sacrifice and I think for me it is sacrificing a lot more that just time, its sacrificing my feelings for you. I know that I am saying this now, and being away from you does change many things for me. But I know that I need to remember that we both agreed on this and that I need to hold up my end of the bargain.

I emailed your sister today because I am desperate to know how you are doing. She didn't email back, which hurt even more. I knew I shouldn't have emailed her. I know that things aren't going to get better if I just sit here and sulk. But I haven't really sulked yet. I have been too busy, but it is all catching up to me now. We are in San Diego, and I have a pulled muscle, strep throat, and I can't breathe in without coughing, oh! and I have a broken heart (probably the cause for all this sickness in the first place). So I am...to say the least struggling.

I just miss you. I know that you aren't reading these, but for some reasons they make me feel better about what I am feeling. I have been having dreams about you recently, and gosh are they heart wrenching.

Anyway, I love you David. Always will. Even if you do make my body want to weep and then die. I still need you...

But I think I am slowly realizing I don't have to.

Always yours,
Chels

Letters to David.

Hun,

Today was the day I was suppose to be married to you for time and all eternity. Instead I spent it with Nathalie, Ashley, and Tanner at Lagoon. (which is where I wanted to go in between the wedding and reception haha just to be fun). But babe, I couldn't get you out of my head all day. There were couples everywhere. I struggled all day. I did have fun, as you always use to say I would. I did however miss everything about you.

I want you to know that I know that this isn't healthy that the things I write shouldn't be said. I can't help it. I just looked up and saw that it is August 11th. It was now suppose to be you and me against the world from here on out. Things were going to get so much easier from this point on, because I had you by my side. I had you to lean on. I knew that you loved me enough to love me forever. Things change...

I imagine myself being in an alternate universe. I had imagined this week to be so completely different than what it was. I know that the things I did this week kept me sane during this time. I love my family all the more for it. 

Today however was even weirder, I couldn't focus on anything. I needed to be constantly moving and thinking and being disconnected. I knew that if I calmed down I would crash. I am afraid to dream. I am afraid to fall asleep at night, knowing I may see your handsome face. I don't think I could handle it. I miss it too much. Sometimes I can't even think of how it looks any more, it's been so long...

Today was the day. And then...it just became another day. In one fell swoop. Sometimes I think about it and I get so furious at you for leaving me, and then I realize that it wasn't you who was the wrong one in this relationship, it was me. I realize that now. And for that, I am sorry.

Today I also realized that I still love you. I looked at all the guys in lagoon, and none of them. not one did I actually see them. All I could picture was your face. I miss you sweetheart. Last night I just listened to your voice mails till I fell asleep. Gosh how I miss you. Everything.

I guess when people how I am doing, I say I'm doing okay, but I know that if you were to walk back into my life I would run back to you no matter what you've done, I love you too much David James. I'm sorry again.

Always yours,

Chels

Letters to David

David-

I just got done talking with you and oh goodness. I have realized so many things in our span of our relationship. One thing I have learned is that I am not patient. I believe that this is part of the reason our relationship didn't work. I think I did push a lot. I'm sorry about that. Another thing I realized I do is speak before thinking. Like today for instance. I just push away so that I don't get hurt too much, but doing that I realize, hurts me more than holding on. Because while I push just proves to me that I am not ready to have someone as great and wonderful as you. I looked at that, and thought to myself that my maturity level isn't anywhere near what it should be, and that yours exceeds mine so much more.

The things that pull at my heart the most is you with someone else, being alone, and the saddness you feel about this (which I have no idea if its happening or not just what I imagine), or if you're not sad about it at all. That would hurt the most probably. You being with someone else, UGH! I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing you even talking to other girls. It just makes me want to vomit. But I know that if this doesn't work out, that I do want you as happy as possible. So I know that you will be with someone, but gosh I hope its me. I know it may not be.

Today you told me that you wanted to leave it up to chance and that you didn't want to push into anything, but I'm afraid if we do that, then nothing will ever happen again. I know it was chance that we met, that I sat down next to you, that I had you come over and give me my homework for science class, that you were the one I needed when Joe died. I know that you came into my life for a reason. I believe that it was to be there the rest of it. But I understand if you don't. I know that things change. 

One thing that I can't seem to grasp is the eternal perspective. Being at my family reunion this week is going to give me a run for my money. I know that if I can get through this week then I will be good the rest of my life, alone. After this saturday, August 10th 2013 my supposed wedding day, I will be okay. I know it. Just getting there is going to be the struggle. 

I am sorry david. Really. Always will be. 

Always yours,

Chels

Letters to David

Well hello all. I know that you all love hearing from me, but right now I am struggling, (I also know that isn't that big of a shock either) but, since I can't talk to David, or my family. I have to tell someone how I feel, and that I guess will be you guys. So in hopes of maybe David reading this I going to write letters to David. Anytime I need to relieve myself. So here's letter número uno:

Babe, (I'm still going to call you that)
So when all this happened the first time and I knew that you weren't going to be able to marry me, I looked back on how all this happened and I remembered the nights we Skyped before we went up to school last semester, I remembered how excited and happy I was when I saw your name or heard anything about you. And that first time we talked about marriage it wasn't me who started it, haha who started talking about all of it. I know that after that it was me. All me. I know that what is happening to us is cause of me. I just looked around at all my cousins and friends who had their husbands and wives and how happy they were, made me so envious.  I know that that is not an excuse at all. But at first when this happened I was okay, really I remember being able to go to work and not think about it, but the closer I get to the "suppose to be" wedding day, I just wanna be with you, I don't even care if I have to just Skype you, I miss you. I know that I should stick with what I chose. But I also know that the longer I spend not talking to you the smaller window I have to maybe marry you someday. I also know that that is pressure too, and that is what we were trying to get rid of, but it's so hard. That is why I am writing this. I hope maybe someday you'll read it, and run back to me. Ha. I don't think the majority of the things I think about are true. Or even possible. I'm sure that's very unhealthy but, I don't care it's what keeps me sane at this point of my life.
Being around my family, is probably the worst feeling ever. I love my family to death, and have never had this problem before, but I remember thinking about how I will always have you with me, it's so comforting and relaxing to me to even think about. And at my reunions we are insane, I know that I'll have fun still, but gosh how I wanted to show David my life. And it's not just the fact that I want someone to be with it's that I want David. Cause I am talking to other guys, and I just have no interest at all in any of them. I miss my Mr Science.

David, I'm sorry if you read this, I hope it doesn't out any unwanted feelings, I just wanted to tell someone how I feel. I still do love you. Very much. And need your presence in my life. Thank you for all the good memories you've given me to hold onto while we're apart. But I need you. I'm sorry. Again.

Always yours,
Chels