Happy.

"There are moments in this life
When you can't fake it." - Do Not Let Me Go by Joshua Hyslop.

This post isn't going to be a sad one. I am tired of showing that side of myself to you all. I promise you I am a very happy person. I have always had very many reasons to be happy. I am planning on tell you some of those reasons right now.

One of the biggest reasons I am happy, if not the biggest reason, is because of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the gospel doctrine it teaches me. My testimony of my Father in Heaven is my beacon in the dark, He's the reason I am living. Today is a day that we fast for something, fasting is just a little extra help from Heavenly Father. The point of it is to essentially "starve" the natural man in us all to make more room for our souls to thrive and gain more insight from our loving Father. I believe that everything else that I list is because of this first one. I know that Christ died for me, so that I could have the happiness my soul so craved in the pre-mortal life.

Now that I have said why these beautiful additions are in my life I can say who they are, my family. Words cannot express the many feelings I feel for each member of my family. Not only my immediate family, but everyone, my grandma, cousins, great grandparents, and so on. They all have made some choice that one way or another has impacted my life and for that I am very grateful to them for helping me make it a good one, for their persistence, mostly though for my immediate family, for my little sissy, for the things I have learned from and about her and will learn. I'm grateful for her amazing personality in my life. Also for the love that she has for me and I have for her, it made my junior and senior years of high school full of light. For my oldest brother, Bo-bo, although you have been gone for it seems like decades Bo, I still remember your silly attitude, crazy temper (at times), and love for fun, your family, and doing what was right and good. Thank you for your love. Thank you for working so hard where you are. We can feel it Bo, we really can. And we miss you. For Tanner. my older brother, he just recently became engaged, I am thrilled for him and his finace. Tan, you did it brother, as much as I thought at times, there was going to have to be a miracle for you to choose a wife, I see now, it was just that. And that love is truly a miracle for anyone. You my brother are a miracle after all the near death experiences you've had and the times when I thought you had given up on this gem we call love, you go to china looking for just that, you seemed like you were digging deep bro, I hope that you found what you were looking for. It seems you have, I hope that you and I become close again. I miss you.

Mom, well honestly there is nothing I can express in mere words that tells you all how much love our mother has for the children she has bore, raised, and molded. Everyday I am who I am because of the childhood my mother provided, for the pure and sweet love my mother shows me, for the attitude she has in hard times, for the beacon she is to many people around her. She is the closest person I know to superwomen and I imagine she wouldn't agree with that statement, but that is what we call humility. I love you momma. Papa, for every family member there is definitely a different love, a different feel for them, but for my dad, it is entirely different. My father is a man that shows love more abundantly in such interesting ways, he loves his wife, very much. He is trying his hardest to show that love and act on it as well, he loves his children, each one of them with a specific love that he has developed over the years of giving his all to provide for us each day. My dad and I's relationship is always developing every time I call, think of him, and by the things I try to do for him. I love my daddy. Heavenly Father definitely knew what he was doing when He gave me the parents He did.

Quickly want to mention some friends, Courtney, Caitlin, Katelyn, Geoffery Brown, Brittnay Teare, Bekah, Becca Robinson. One way or another all these people have not only touched my life, but altered it recently, life is an amazing ride when you keep changing seats and meeting the most amazing souls. These souls are just that.

Honestly, I know for a fact that these next few words aren't going to come close to the things I have felt these past few months, and year with him. Now for the sappy love part, brace yourselves. David Clifton Hartshorn. This man is the closest person I have to a real angel. I imagine that in the beginning God saw all the good things that I have done up to my life and combined them to get someone who was half the man David is. I guess the other half I have gained is because of the mercy of my loving Father. David's influence on me is life changing. I know that they are directly from my Father in Heaven and that is why it is so close to the core of my very being. I believe the line in Les Miserables to be true: "To love someone, is to see the face of God" This rings true to my heart these last couple months. The first time I saw David after the true separation we had, I felt like I did the first time I truly saw David's sou. A couple nights ago we were driving to my grandparents grave just to talk and check in with each other, when while we were driving, I felt a distinct voice tell me, "Chelsea, you truly do love him unconditionally." I looked back at him and remember thinking, it begins. I was completely full. I was completely and utterly full of a love that I have never experienced for another human being, it was beautifully perfect. The crazy thing about life is that we have those moments. Moments of bewitchment, and then the next there is some opposition. In that moment I knew there was also going to be opposition for this feeling. I wished more than anything for it to not come, pleaded, but to no avail. Opposition came, but the thing about it is that at the end of those hard, long, weeks is sunday. The day of the Lord and David and I know that God is the one who allows all of these to happen, and we know that the love will return when we are trying. And it did the next morning we were making breakfast and he was being so funny and perfect that I remembered that love. I remembered why I was on this earth. I have never had more moments with someone in my existence on this earth. I plan on enduring, living and loving with David by my side. It makes me life worth it. I can't imagine it any other way now.

So! Now that we all know what I am thinking again. I hope everyone who reads this knows of the happiness of my soul, and that is truly from the Atonement of Christ. I am thankful everyday for it, and Him. And my David.

Update on Goals.

Things have changed a bit since writing last. I have decided a couple things.

One: I have come to the conclusion that I have never had a "clean slate" when it comes to boys. So what I have decided is telling every guy that may have a crush on me or vis versa about the fact that I am still very much in love with my ex David Hartshorn and I can't/shouldn't have anything with anyone until I am able to give them all I have. And I don't think I will be able to until I let them go. I know how now. There is a part of me that has been changing since David left. I am learning...growing. I honestly think that a part of me is doing this because of David. Cause I...feel like I am being prepared or something...like I am learning all that I need to from him or about him. I know that this may all sound crazy. But I was thinking about the whole coincidence of finding his letters and I think about him everyday (as much as I try not to)...I don't think it is by chance these things keep happening. I think I am being told that someday I might be so blessed. Maybe not with him, but with someone. I know that I am learning though. I think also I am not done with David...I think that he may move on and if so...it might kill me, (that's me being selfish too) but I know that I will be okay. Because my main focus is on my Father in Heaven, and I know that He has told me to do this. To be able to focus on one person. One boy. Give him all of me.

I think I am able to do that because of the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven. He has given me that gift, and for that I am very grateful to Him.

Two: I love my Father in Heaven. I love the things that I am learning on this earth, about all of his creations, people, plants. But mostly plants. I feel close to Him when I am in class. While I am learning and understanding. I know that my life has taken a different turn because I am letting Him in again.

Three: I love my family. I know I have said this many times, but this time it is different. I know that they will love and support me no matter what. Even my father. I love my father. And the man he is now. I know that I will always know that too. My dad has shaped me no matter what I think. So Dad, thanks. I think you have done a good job. I love my mom too. Very much. I love her love for me, it is very unique to our relationship as it should be. I love my brother Joseph, I love his love for us too. Sometimes I know for a fact that my life is being touched by him specifically, so Bo-bo, thank you. I love you very much and forgive you for anything that has happened. I love you Hobo.

So that is it. I am still in love with David, but am focusing on that, and that alone. I have told every boy that, those are my feelings, and I have never done this. I know that I will be able to have a "clean slate" if I do it this way and things don't ever happen with David, which they might not, but that is what I am getting from Heavenly Father right now so that is what I am rolling with.

Trying..

So it is 8 o'clock in the morning and I just got back from going to the Rexburg Temple, and let me tell you guys, I love it there. No matter how I feel I can go and relax even if it's for two mins and then my mind starts going to other things, but even that two mins is enough for me to listen to my Heavenly Father and his will for me at this time.

This particular snowy morning I was sitting in the chapel of the temple after my session, I took out my mini Preach my Gospel and was trying to find a place to take some notes of either my thoughts or some of the things I needed to do today and stumbled upon a letter David had written me. I thought my heart was going to come out my throat. This isn't the first time this has happened, the Lord seems to through him in my face often, daily in fact, but I understand that. So while I was reading this letter he had written me I was almost begging Heavenly Father that we could be...something again. I didn't even care what it was, something that I could have him in my life again. After my cry fest in the chapel I opened my heart, opened my mind, and was willing to do what the Lord wants me to do.

This what my loving Heavenly Father told me to do, to write. To get all of my crap out, and all my frustrations will come to a close. I told him that I will put it in His hands, but if by some awesome circumstance that David might read this and have his heart softened that would be even better, BUT I am not banking on that, and I will still progress, still move forward with my plans and life.

Now that we all know why I am writing, I am going to say a couple things I am struggling with; one I am struggling with not having David in my life. It has snowed here and this time last year I was with him, enjoying the snow, but I know that is the way life goes....but ya know what?? I am not going to say how I should be feeling okay. I feel this way and I just going to say it. I miss David. I miss watching Frozen with him, I miss him talking to me, I miss him pushing me to talk, (cause I haven't since he left), I miss his loving letters everywhere (even though I keep finding them), I miss him being a gentlemen to me. Okay. So that is the David situation.

Now I miss snowboarding. I don't think I'll be able to get to do much this season either but the utter happiness I feel being on the mountain is something I can't express in words.

I miss having a simple life. I miss not having to choose what grad school to go to or whether or not to go to grad school. I miss my mom.

Okay, now I'm done with that. I hope that you all know that I am not bipolar...kinda, I am just trying my hardest to follow my Father in heaven.

I have done my part in writing. I hope that I feel better soon. I'll just keep up the prayers and study. It's the cure to everything right?

Examining Life.

This past week I was able to spend in Phoenix with my horticulture class, and I learned a lot. A lot about myself and what I want to do. A lot about dating cause I was in a minivan with a bunch of single girls and boys the whole week. A lot about the education required for the things I am looking into to pursue as a career. 

But I wanted to write just to tell you some things I've been feeling. I recently have been understanding The Lords timing; that it is something I needed to trust in a long time ago. That my life would've been a lot easier if I had done that. I don't regret anything, but I do hope that I am able to do that for my future. My brother wrote me a letter a couple days ago about dating, and it hit home with me. I hope that people understand that getting married is important and should be done, but the BEST way it will be accomplished is by creating the best person you can be. And the only way we will do that is through Christ's atonement. 

This week I was able to examine my life...my faults and strengths. And the conclusion I have come to is that I am doing good. I can always do better and most certainly will. But I can always work on the things that I know I struggle with. 

I hope that everyone can look at their lives and say that they are doing the best they can for the God they serve and love. I know that I can. If you can't...then work on it, however you feel the need to, just make sure that you are doing it for yourself and your personal relationship with our Father in Heaven because in the end, that is all that will matter. 

David Post.

Sometimes I forget about my therapy session here.

Yet again I am changing, growing, learning, just like all of us. Whether we realize it or not. But the biggest thing I have learned as of late is that life is a good as YOU make it. I think people say that too often without truly realizing what they are saying.

I have had that first part written for a week now, but people I just want to say that I miss David. I miss him...I have no where else to say it. But I am slowly learning and understanding..but I do feel a bit of a wreck since he left my life. David, if you are reading this...remember that there is a part of me that wishes you were in my life still. But that I understand what you are doing. I just hope someday we can some sort of relationship again. I do love you, but would settle just for you to look at me again. I miss those eyes and smile. But I am doing amazing, for the situation I am in, the Lord has blessed me and my life tremendously since that time. I trust Him to help me make the best decision.

David...I miss you.


This was my post for therapy. Thank you.

A List.

I am going to write down some things that have been bringing me joy the past couple months:

Becca Eileen Robinson. I’m not sure if I have ever connected with a person so easily and fast in my life. I am not very good at putting my feelings into words so when I need to tell her how much I love her I will text her, here is just another way of telling you how much you mean to me. Becs, you are magnificent. I hope someday you see what I see. I could literally go on for this whole post about how indebted I am to you for this summer, and how grateful I am to you for your love, kindness, humor, courage, and for sharing a piece of your soul with me, cause I know that for sure you will always have a piece of my soul. Thanks.

Eating good food. We have tried some amazing food while we’ve been in Salt Lake and I am loving every second of it.

My job. I work as a gardener and the love I feel from my Savior everyday for the opportunity I have to work there is a blessing in itself. I remember when I thought I wasn’t going to get it, I always hoped and prayed for the opportunity, sometimes I am not always the best sport, but the people I work with, they will never be forgotten in my memories. I never realized how much I love getting to know people till I have to work 8 hours a day with them.

A call for a date. A guy I work with called me last night to ask me out on a date and it reminded me that chivalry isn’t dead.

Music. Vincent by Don McLean remind me that paintings aren’t just paintings, and people who have problems are still just people with one thing that they eat, sleep, and breathe.

The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister. Has been changing my love for the gospel, and brings me much joy.

Speaking Spanish with my coworker Scotty.

My determination to see past the temporal problems in life.

My sister graduating.

Becca’s brother Schulyer, and his girlfriend Kaylee.

Lagoon

Hope for the future.

I advise you all to write one of these, it helps when times get hard. 

Love.

This post is about love. Again.

The past couple years I have learned a lot about the different kinds of love. I remember when my brother passed away and I wondered why my brother's wife got to decide a lot of things, when she only lived with him for 2 years but we had lived with Joe for 20. Being so upset my mom told me that their love was a lot different then any kind of love we could have given Joe. I understood a little more the love between husband and wife.

Now don't get me wrong I have had my fair share of "romantic interests", but the feeling you get when you give your heart, your all to someone, it isn't like any feeling, or so I have heard. I think I have felt feelings to that effect, more so recently then any other time in my life.

The phrase "I love you" is very interesting, it has become more prevalent in the world (at least the people I associate with). I say this phrase to many people. I remember growing up having people comment on the fact that I would tell that to many people, and I remember thinking...well isn't that a good thing? I thought we were suppose to love everyone that. Well once I started actually falling in love, not just loving them as a person, I felt sort of bad saying it so often, so I tried to slow it down and wouldn't tell as many people I loved them. Not one of my best ideas. I have since broken that habit and now am very happy telling everyone I love them. The people who love me back, truly, will know why I say what I say. And will know the type of love I mean for them. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and I asked him if it was alright if I said I love you to him and he said that love can be expressed many different ways, mine are verbally and I say it in a way that the recipient of my affection should know how I mean this meaningful phrase.

I dated a guy who knows when I love him and when I am annoyed. He is the best at determining everything about me. He reads me like a book, but honestly he is the best guy I ever dated. I learn about love from him, that I didn't have to like someone to love them, that I really could be loved unconditionally, and love someone unconditionally. In the movie, Moulin Rouge, I believe the best quote ever written was said in that movie: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return". This quote has been my theme my whole life. I am very grateful to that boy I dated. I am still learning about love from him. That it is NOT by any means easy, but that makes it much more worth our time and energy when it is hard.

I watched a dumb chick flick a couple days ago with my cousin, who has a very similar relationship with her husband that I do with David, and there was a line in the movie, these two girls are arguing about love and it goes like this: "Hailey: And I know there's a reason why everybody wants it so much. Aquamarine: And what's that? Hailey: It's the closest thing we have to magic." The closest to magic huh? I agree completely Hailey. Now overcome your fear of the water and tell Aqua you love her so that her crazy dad doesn't take her away from her true love Raymond! Okay, I'll calm down.

Seriously though people love is something to think about, everyday. It is something we have been very blessed with on this earth. Thank those around you for the love the give you. Even if it's weird. Oh and tell your mom you love her too. She's the best. But David shout out to you, Thank you for teaching me how to love again. I hope you know I want to marry you someday. I love you.