Letters to David

David-

I just got done talking with you and oh goodness. I have realized so many things in our span of our relationship. One thing I have learned is that I am not patient. I believe that this is part of the reason our relationship didn't work. I think I did push a lot. I'm sorry about that. Another thing I realized I do is speak before thinking. Like today for instance. I just push away so that I don't get hurt too much, but doing that I realize, hurts me more than holding on. Because while I push just proves to me that I am not ready to have someone as great and wonderful as you. I looked at that, and thought to myself that my maturity level isn't anywhere near what it should be, and that yours exceeds mine so much more.

The things that pull at my heart the most is you with someone else, being alone, and the saddness you feel about this (which I have no idea if its happening or not just what I imagine), or if you're not sad about it at all. That would hurt the most probably. You being with someone else, UGH! I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing you even talking to other girls. It just makes me want to vomit. But I know that if this doesn't work out, that I do want you as happy as possible. So I know that you will be with someone, but gosh I hope its me. I know it may not be.

Today you told me that you wanted to leave it up to chance and that you didn't want to push into anything, but I'm afraid if we do that, then nothing will ever happen again. I know it was chance that we met, that I sat down next to you, that I had you come over and give me my homework for science class, that you were the one I needed when Joe died. I know that you came into my life for a reason. I believe that it was to be there the rest of it. But I understand if you don't. I know that things change. 

One thing that I can't seem to grasp is the eternal perspective. Being at my family reunion this week is going to give me a run for my money. I know that if I can get through this week then I will be good the rest of my life, alone. After this saturday, August 10th 2013 my supposed wedding day, I will be okay. I know it. Just getting there is going to be the struggle. 

I am sorry david. Really. Always will be. 

Always yours,

Chels

Letters to David

Well hello all. I know that you all love hearing from me, but right now I am struggling, (I also know that isn't that big of a shock either) but, since I can't talk to David, or my family. I have to tell someone how I feel, and that I guess will be you guys. So in hopes of maybe David reading this I going to write letters to David. Anytime I need to relieve myself. So here's letter número uno:

Babe, (I'm still going to call you that)
So when all this happened the first time and I knew that you weren't going to be able to marry me, I looked back on how all this happened and I remembered the nights we Skyped before we went up to school last semester, I remembered how excited and happy I was when I saw your name or heard anything about you. And that first time we talked about marriage it wasn't me who started it, haha who started talking about all of it. I know that after that it was me. All me. I know that what is happening to us is cause of me. I just looked around at all my cousins and friends who had their husbands and wives and how happy they were, made me so envious.  I know that that is not an excuse at all. But at first when this happened I was okay, really I remember being able to go to work and not think about it, but the closer I get to the "suppose to be" wedding day, I just wanna be with you, I don't even care if I have to just Skype you, I miss you. I know that I should stick with what I chose. But I also know that the longer I spend not talking to you the smaller window I have to maybe marry you someday. I also know that that is pressure too, and that is what we were trying to get rid of, but it's so hard. That is why I am writing this. I hope maybe someday you'll read it, and run back to me. Ha. I don't think the majority of the things I think about are true. Or even possible. I'm sure that's very unhealthy but, I don't care it's what keeps me sane at this point of my life.
Being around my family, is probably the worst feeling ever. I love my family to death, and have never had this problem before, but I remember thinking about how I will always have you with me, it's so comforting and relaxing to me to even think about. And at my reunions we are insane, I know that I'll have fun still, but gosh how I wanted to show David my life. And it's not just the fact that I want someone to be with it's that I want David. Cause I am talking to other guys, and I just have no interest at all in any of them. I miss my Mr Science.

David, I'm sorry if you read this, I hope it doesn't out any unwanted feelings, I just wanted to tell someone how I feel. I still do love you. Very much. And need your presence in my life. Thank you for all the good memories you've given me to hold onto while we're apart. But I need you. I'm sorry. Again.

Always yours,
Chels

Calling David James.

It's weird how you can feel fine one day and then the next have your whole world change. Things are never going to be the same for me. Weather things turn out the way I think they will or not. My beloved David and I are no more. As much as I love that man, and still do, I know that this is what is right.

Time. It is the most painful thing in the world at times. It is also the best healing mechanism we humans have. I mean we can't mend a broken arm like they do in Harry Potter. In those movies you still can't bring back the dead. That one I'm afraid has always and will always be permanent. Same with a broken hearts. These are things even humans can't see with their own eyes. We are blinded to how these things really truly work. That is why we cannot fix them, and probably never will. It is comforting at times to know that you aren't the only person who has gone through things like this. I know that for me, I have heard everyone's story about how they knew someone or they themselves went through a broken engagement, and they offered their remedies to this heart wrenching experience such as: chick-flics, ice cream, costa vida binge, working all the time, being busy, and many more. In my experience I kinda had all of these. I am still going through it. I just can't seem to stop myself, but think about him all the time. I guess that's what happens when you are in love. I was talking to my brother about it, and he and I decided that love freaking sucks. A lot.

Back to time and the oddness of it all. I know that things can only get better from where I am. Because really guys? I have hit my rock bottom. But, my brother came home early to be with me and I have my sister. I know that they love me very much and that is all I need right now. I miss my David with all my heart and body, and soul. But I also trust that my life is mapped out, and if this is a part of it, then so be it! Allonz-y baby!!

I do, however, love you David Shannon/Science. And I know that you are still in love with me too. Things will work out. No matter what. If you're reading this, know that I am still here. I know that I am already starting to heal. I also know that things can go either way at this point.



But there is absolutely no pressure, cause that was our destruction last time.

I am getting happier. 

Bo Bo Repercussions

You guys ever look back on your life and say to yourself..."when did all this happen?" How did I have time for all of these things. I know that for me, that question is asked way more frequently than it should be. I think looking back on things that I have gone through/done, I have had a pretty good life. I know that I am pretty okay with how it is turning out. I know that I still have some pretty good demons on my heels at all times, but I am also surrounded by many angels. The only problem I have come across recently is my war between the demons and angels. I know that I am going to be able to come out on top if I stay close to what I know to be true, but those demons know you so well, and the weakness's you have. For me, a weakness they have been hounding me on is my dear brother. Coming to grips with it all has taken me a long time, and I don't think I am still there yet nor do I think I will be there any time soon. That in itself scares the freaking crap out of me. Maybe someday I'll actually go crazy and not have to deal with all these petty human problems. At this moment, going crazy looks pretty great. But alas, I have so many obligations such as getting married to the love of my life, being a daughter, sister, friend, and sometimes enemy. (yes, you must fill the enemy roll sometimes too.)

Talking about Bo on here helps me somehow. So! The things I'm feeling...are like stars I can't fathom into constellations. (I love John Green) I know that I am happy. Mostly because of my fiancé. But I also know that I struggle with many things and I am afraid to put that on him. I know that we have talked about it, but sometimes I am not the best at communicating what I feel, we didn't do that communicating thing in my family very much, so I struggle with it. But, he doesn't so that is another why I am marrying this great guy. Another thing I have done so much is being fake happy, and it is starting to become a norm for me. It makes me feel distant and disconnected to all those around me. I know that this nothing I can do about it either. I miss being connected to all the people around me. Feeling a connection with all those I come in contact with. The older I get the worse I am about that. I struggle to connect with people now, to get to the core of a person. When in years passed I have been able to do that in about a week. When my brother passed away...lots of things happened, externally and internally. I am still struggling with both. I almost call Bo sometimes, and I dream about him often. I know that this is only natural. I mean he was my brother, but then I see his wife (bless her, I love her to death) I see her with the boys that she dates...and it is just the weirdest sight in the world to me. I once about had a break down in church, because I sat behind them and they were...just acting like a normal couple would. I think it was a combination of missing my fiancé and my brother who should've been there next to her. I about lost it..I, once again, had so many feelings pumping through my body that I didn't know what to think. (Those darn feelings keep messing with my flipping head) One problem I face this summer is working at a place that we worked last year together right before he left. I look back on those times and I am more than grateful for that summer I had with my brother. 

I know that my life isn't bad by any stretch of the imagination, I am so very grateful for everyday I have had with the people/angels in my life. But I also know that struggling with anything guys, can be harder than we can imagine. I don't think I will ever be able to come to grips with Bo Bo. But sometimes I know that everything's going to be okay. I just hope that Bo is watching us, and is learning things for himself, because I know I am here. I miss him though.

Memories of David and I

It's been so long guys.

Well, I am engaged. Ha. Yep. Engaged to be MARRIED! You remember that guy I talked about in the last post? Well, he caved. We're getting married in AUGUST! I can't believe it either. But it's something I know to be the only thing I need/want right now, at this time in my life.

I have always been "more mature" according to people I have come in contact with throughout my life, and I believe them. I know that a lot of things have happened in my life that have lead me to this point. Such as all the people who have passed away, break-ups, make-ups, and all the sorta "things" I had with all the guys previous to my future companion, I know that all of this was something I needed to do to lead me to David and was something I did right. I was either broken up with or the heart breaker for a reason, but for this post I thought I would tell you all some stories about David and I.

The first time I saw David was in science class I walked in a bit late (cause only cool people come late right? Maybe I wasn't as grown up as I thought I was haha) but there weren't very many places open because the room was packed, but I sat down next to him and this kid I recognized from my ward at my church, I had to kinda climb into the row, and the first thing he said was "Sorry, there isn't much room" and then we had to talk to our neighbors a little bit and at first I thought he was a little uptight. He paid attention so hard that I thought he was special at first, but then I realized he was pretty great, and was just really wanting to do well in this class. He was wearing a Guatemala lanyard around his neck and the only thing I really remembered about him was that his name was David (Cause I had a friend named David) and that he served in Guatemala on his mission. The reason I remembered he served in Guatemala was because he said Guatemala so funny. I also noticed his eyes. So gorgeous. They didn't have a black outline on the pupil so it was just sky blue into the white. So mesmerizing. I believe that was the time I first started thinking about him. And then the next class period I sat next to him again, I have already told you guys about the incident when I gave plasma and went to class, that was the first time I walked out with him we talked about him and his cousins accidents when they went and gave plasma, it was crazy stuff. Class was always fun with him, I didn't always go, but that semester was a hard and crazy one for sure.

When I went home to go to my brother's funeral, I had told him in class before here's how it all went down: he said "What are you going home for?" I think to myself...not sure if I know him enough to tell him that my brother is in the hospital and is going to die...but I was tired of not telling anyone, and I knew that he would be really cool about it. So I said: "My brother's going to die." His face was priceless. Such a big bomb to just drop on someone. But I am glad I did. He then said: "I'm sorry" And that was it. So I asked for his number to text him and ask what happened in class I texted him once while I was gone, and he promptly replied with the answer to my question and that was it, he didn't ask about how I was doing or anything just answered my question, so I thought he didn't want to really didn't want anything to do with me after that.

I was dating/"having-a-thing" with a guy at the time (you all read about him too), but David didn't know about him till later. (and he wasn't too happy about him either), but he was very kind and waited as long as I needed him to. I think he might have waited forever...well maybe I couldn't string him along forever, but he was very patient in my process in the dating relationship we had. During the time I was kinda dating this guy though, David was very persistant I think he also wanted me to think he had many people at his disposal, because I remember the first time we hung out after class I invited him over to my apartment to have mac and cheese (the only thing I ever made then) and I asked him what he did all the time and he promptly replied "Oh, I hang out with my roommates and we do a ton of fun things, we go on a ton of dates." I was thinking in my head...oh, well glad you snuck that last part in there. I was worried you didn't ever hang out with girls. Not. Goodness. I was kinda stand offish after that. I was thinking well he's got lots of game so I don't need to be to serious about this guy.

One thing I do remember about David though in the beginning was that he really did light up when he saw me. Sometimes I had to kick out the happiness when he would come to class, because he was listening to music or trying to "act cool" and not talk to me, so I would ask him how he was doing or something along those lines, and I think he was always trying to ask me something of more substance, cause I feel like he would just be sitting there racking his brain to think of something to say and then ask me something very nice, but I could only respond with one word answers and that was it. In class once, we had been hanging out a little bit more at this time and I guess he had seen me with one of my guy friends and thought it was the guy that I had been dating, boy was he mad! He even stood me up, and welched on a bet we had made before (he owed me dinner after that at pineapple grill). But when I went to class I knew he was very angry...but I wasn't completely sure why, but when I showed up he didn't really talk to me and then about half way through class he leaned over and wrote in my notebook if I would like to go to devotional with him later. I, of course, said yes. But he is just funny like that. I love that funnyness.

The first time I went to devo with him I was with Mal and he brought his roommate Jed, who incidentally was in my Book of Mormon class and I remember him being so...together. Always seemed so attentive and so happy to be there. We were in the very front row and it felt so good to be there with him. When it was done I knew he wanted to talk more, but his roommates just left him so he had to go, but after it he CALLED ME and asked if I would go to the masquerade with him that weekend I unfortunately was was still being an idiot and dating my ex and was going to Utah with him that weekend so I wouldn't be able to attend with him, but after he called I was freaking the flip out! I ran upstairs and had to tell someone! So I woke up my buddies in three different apartments. I could tell that he was very sad about the fact that I said no, but he didn't give up. I think that is one of the reasons why I fell in love with this boy in the first place. He wanted me so badly that he would wait.


When I had finally had enough of my ex and said yes to hanging out with him, I was actually just on a "break" with my ex and wasn't really looking for anything, but I knew that David was lots of fun and I would have a good time. So I told him we should hang out sometime on a text finally and he said "he was thinking the same thing" (I was so excited when I read that text, and I was very happy that one of us had the guts to finally say it!) But anyway, we went to the Taco Bus and then took the food up to the MC and ate it in the crossroads, and all I remember talking about was him. We semi talked about his ex before the mission and I remember hearing that she never really just stopped and that she might still be there. I absolutely hated hearing that! But after we went down to Kiwi Loco and got fro yo and then walked over to his apartment and on the way there we met his roommate and he asked David to go give his gf at the time a blessing, of course he went (I mean how perfect right?) So we did that, I think that was one of the first time I started to fall in love David. (I'm not sure this was all in the same night...I'm pretty sure it was though haha) but after that we went to the stadium and just walked and talked and he told me that his middle name was Ernest even though it was this weird mix up and I from then on I thought his middle name was Ernest for months till finally he told me it was James but I was very happy with that night he told me about some of the things he did with his friends. I did a cartwheel on the top of the stadium steps. When we went down I swore I saw a parachute thing and I yelled at him in the middle of his story and started running after it and yelled him to come with me, but it wasn't there...I'm not crazy people. I promise. But after that we gathered a bunch of leaves and we recorded me "jumping" into them even though I really just ran and stepped in them. It was funny. Then we headed up to the Smith building and found a classroom and drew all over the chalkboard weird pictures and talked about life. He told me he wanted to be a dentist and told me a story about dentist's visting Guatemala and how much he wanted to do that. I remember thinking that that was so amazing. I loved hearing that and it made me fall in love with him.

I remember when I finally told him about Mckennon, he was so upset. I have no idea why, but it made me so happy that he cared so much to be upset with me. I told him in the I-center, and he was so angry that I went to see the movie skyfall with him that night and not hang out with him. I regretted it the minute I told him cause I realized how much I truly did love him...

Our science teacher was insane and wouldn't really teach anything relating to science, well he would for about 20 mins of the class and then the other 40 mins he would show funny videos or talk about his wife and three daughters and how the would shoot things. It was always so funny to us. He would also say "Key in on this" all the time. We use to make fun of him for it. I think that teacher brought us together very well. I should thank him one day. I loved David in that class.

I never regret anything I did with David. The first time I broke up with this poor guy I knew that it was for a good reason...I wasn't over my ex and was struggling with things from my past I took him to Jimmy Johns and we sat there for like 2 hours just talking about it. I remember watching him walk away that night...something inside of me knew that it was for the best and that I was going to miss this so much. But I also knew that this wasn't the end (mostly cause I would see him in class) I eventually went back to him. I not sure how we got back together...but the second time I broke up with him was worse. I remember thinking: " oh my gosh I could marry him..but no way and I am going to any time soon. Never ever." I broke up with him after the christmas devo in the Icenter (lots of things happened there for us) but I was sitting out of the the third level and he was so upset, he cried. He asked if I could just walk around with him outside after so that he didn't punch something on the way home. and so I walked with him, we talked and I seriously thought we were just going to be friends at this point but we wandered into the married housing and I sat on a bench and he asked if he could kiss me and I, of course, said yes. I loved him right there too.

Oh our first kiss! Hehe I had told him that he wasn't allowed to kiss me till he asked me on a real date and he didn't want to ask me of a real date till he could really do something special. but I remember I was getting so tired of waiting that finally I said that that friday night what we were doing was a "date" so we went and watched White Christmas and he was kissing me all over my face but not my lips cause that wouldn't be the right place for our first kiss or something so instead I think we walked around for a while until we got to my lounge and I all I remember is sitting down on the same couch and knowing it was coming...and HOLY CRAP was it awful. It took like thirty years for us to actually kiss and when we did it was slobbery. It was kinda symbolic of our relationship till that point though. hahahahaha I remember calling my mom after and saying...yeah not so sure. But we definitely got better, that and I didn't care...I loved him anyway.

One of my favorite memories of David and I was when we were waiting to kiss each other and I always walked him about 200 feet from my apartment in the amphitheater thing and we always messed around for like 20 mins before he finally went home, but I remember once we danced under the stars and he put on pandora on his phone and we danced. Oh my gosh how badly I wanted to kiss him there..but it wasn't time yet. He hadn't asked me on a date yet. I loved him so much that night though.

Another thing I remember him doing was bringing me things. In the beginning he brought me cinnamon rolls, I think once was for my brother, and another time it was because he either lost a bet, or I asked for them. But I was always so happy to get them, I never ate them though (my roommates usually did) I was happy to get them because it showed me how much he truly did love me. Another time he brought me an origami flower to ask me on our first "date" since I had never gotten flowers from a guy he wanted it to last, I still have it.  Oh my gosh I love him so much.

I had this bad time in my life during that time and I remember hating fairy tales and not believing in them at all...but David and I would always disagree on it and he would say that he believes in them and all I could think about was Sam from the movie Charley and I was just so in awe that a man could think that. I remember it gave me back some of my fantasy world that I loved so much.

I know that David and I have many more memories in store for us, and some of them aren't going to be as pleasant as these I have just told you, but I'm not going to blog about those, because those aren't the ones that matter. All that matters is that David and I are going to get married and we will be married forever. I love my fiance. More than I have any one in my entire life. I hope he and I can always cherish each other. I also know that if we do, we will be set for what's in store for us. And I am grateful for him. Very.

Little Children

I am now ladies and gentleman going to revert back to my normal life for a minute and get out of this boy world I unfortunately put you all through my entire high school years and even after. Sorry about that to all.

I have been able to babysit three kids who are 8, 5, and 4. I don't think I have learned this much for a while. Let me tell a few things first. I am engaged and I know that I will someday have kids so I do think that this experience has taught me that birth control is a WONDERFUL and very needed thing when you are first married. I never realized how much you really can't do. I couldn't even get in the shower without one of them coming into my room, and that was at 5 in the blessed a.m. Now, that is probably the only bad thing I can think of with these kids. I am not going to list all of the wonderful things I have learned, the way you speak to them can make them or break them. I know that I am not the most patient person in the world and sometimes I do need to take a step back and look at it from their perspective, but truly most of all this experience has taught me patience. I know that my dad wasn't always the king at this attribute, but my mom was the queen so it evened out. I still remember to this day anytime my dad lost patience and it wasn't always good, don't get me wrong my dad is a wonderful man and has so many qualities that I love, and I love him with all my heart. 

Another thing I realized was how much saying I love you to the kids really does mean something. I know that when I was a kid my parents said I love you often. I also believe if we build up children then they won't have as many self esteem issues when they get older. 

The kids I am babysitting however, have extraordinary parents! I watched them a little with their kids and I know that everyone has their faults, but I don't think these parents do. The oldest is one of the smartest kids I have ever met. She reads all the time and is very kind to her brothers. Sometimes she is an eight year old, which is completely understandable, but I know that she is so smart and clever that she will go on to do amazing things with her life. 

One thing I learned from the 5 year old was how far being completely and utterly sweet can go. This boy is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. For example anytime his two sisters are bickering he will ask them not to fight in the sweetest tone. Or another time there was an accident of a wiggle car and he bift it pretty hard and took most of the blow to his face, when I ran out to him he was so sweet about it. Cried for about 2 mins and always let me put on the ointment that stung, but he always knew that it would make it better so he took it. I know that when I grow up I want to be like this child. 

I believe that the scriptures are so completely right to become as a little child. They know more about life then you or I ever could. 

David James Shannon

To quote a beautiful piece of art, the movie He's Just Not That Into You. "We are not the exception, we are the rule." This quote, up until now, has been my life. Up until now I believed that the only reason I didn't have an "exception" guy was because I wasn't worth it. Girls try to tell themselves differently; and their friends also add to this chaos saying things like "oh, he just needed to focus on his career." or "he's just not ready for a realtionship." Or my very favorite, "You're way too good for him." Well if I am, then how did I just get dumped? That's the awful thing about relationships. No matter what the problem is, it will have an effect on the rest of your life. Now you can decide how much of an effect it has, or whether it will be a good or horribly bad one. But in the majority of these cases its the negative. 

I would just like to write that I, Chelsea Sara Applegate, have met such a man. David James Shannon Science. People, he is my exception. I wanted to write this because I was rereading all of my posts and realized that I should just change the name of my blog to: A Girl Who Likes to Complain About Guys. (That kinda has a ring to it. Maybe later) But I just want you to all know that, I haven't lost my drive to do good in the world. The drive is there and it is bigger than ever. College changes a person. No matter if you're getting drunk every night and party like an animal, or if you sit in your room all day everyday except for classes. You are away from your comfort zone and you are thrown in with all these other people and you hope that you just find one that you hope to be able to get along with the rest of your long life. I believe to have found that person. Mr. Shannon Science is someone who I don't know if I can live without. I never thought I would completely feel this way. I sound just like every other girl I know to have gotten married super young, but I hope to also have their happiness. I know that I have never had this kind of happiness. I have never had this kind of joy. All I want to do is be with him. 

Now let me just tell you all why I am feeling these wonderfully amazing feelings. I met David in Science class. During a time in my life that was hard because of many reasons; being home, my brother dying, dating the wrong guy. Ya know, just the average problems. In fact on the second day of class, I passed out on him. I had donated plasma that day and I guess I couldn't handle his amazing eyes or something like that. But that story is for a different day. 

I love how excited he gets when I come in the room. I love how he said the same thing every time I went to sit by him in class. "Sorry, there's not much room." I love how I could tell that he wanted to doodle in class cause he never really payed attention due to some "distractions" in the room. I love how when I would look at him he would always look back and sorta half smile. I love it how even when he was mad at me he still wants to be with me. I love it how he is protective of me. I love that he willing to try almost anything just to keep me. I love how I feel safe when I am with him. I love how I can only imagine my future life with him. I love how he moves his nose when he is thinking. I love how much he loves his sisters. I love his roommate Cameron and how much he sees in him. I love how much he wants to get our relationship right. I love that he is trying more than any other person to make me happy. I love that he is the kind of guy who will do service and love it. I love that he loved his mission. I love that he laughs at me. I love that he can make me laugh. I love that he loves watching movies and lets me quote as much I want and does his best to guess them. I love that he loves me. I love that we can joke around. I love that he holds my hand everywhere we go. I love that we talk. About everything. I love that he likes my family. I love that he is willing to help me become a better person. I love that he needs me to help him become a better person. I love that I have him. I love that he had a rough patch in his life and is willing to talk to me about it. I love that he is willing to change. I love that he loves me. I love the way he says he loves me. I love the way he looks at me. I love when he stares at me when I'm not looking. I love that he thinks about his life with me in it. I love that he tries even when I am moody and grouchy. I love that he makes me food, even when I know he doesn't want to. I love it when he calls me a pet name. I love it when he gets over his hatred for the word babe and calls me it. I love that he is in my life. I love that he cares about school a ton. I love his drive when he has one. I love it when  he sings/talks in spanish. 

People, that is just a fraction of what I feel for this man. 

Anyone who is reading this, you will find a person like this. I promise. You just have to make yourself as happy as possible. I did. And now...I can't describe the complete and utter joy I experience every time I see his face. 

I have found him. I just hope I can keep this one. Cause I'm positive I won't be able to live without him.