Time.

I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower.

And I have to say that it taught me many things. One is that I need to be in the moments that I create. I need to not think of the future so much, and especially not my past. It's hard to have a real life if all you do is live in the past. Just like Timon and Pumba said, "You gotta put your past behind you." and "Hakuna Matata" But I was feeling weird after I read the book cause I imagined all my past relationships and I wondered if they thought about things like I do. Sometimes I imagine that I am just this lonely girl who is very pathetic and just thinks. When I hung out with my friend he always use to say that I thought way to much, and it use to bug me that he said that..but I think about it (Ironic) and I know that I do but that it's just the way I am. I have always been that way, I don't necessarily think about what people think about me, but just in general and in this book the main character does that all the time! And in the end the girl he has loved the whole time told him that he needs to start taking control and do what he wants. So he kisses her. It was very sweet and nice.

Like I was saying though, I felt very sentimental tonight I know that I am leaving in a few short weeks and I was beginning to think about all the times I have had here in this town. All the people that have affected my life. I know it is kinda creepy but I went to a couple of their houses just to look and enjoy. I went to a couple ex's. I loved being able to just sit and think. I like slowing down. I enjoy what it does to your body. I am a very rushed person in general. I do my best work when I do that sometimes. But in this case I went to man's house who I still to this day am not completely sure about. You your first "love" well, he wasn't a love I feel like he is just there. I know that he always will be and that is what eats at me the most I think. I know that he loves me too..but it is so stinking complicated that I just rid myself of it completely. I hope someday that he and I could be what we were before we became what had hoped for..forever. But I do love him and I loved being with the guy.

Anyway what this post mostly is about is that of time. I know it is one of the hardest thing to understand. But I hope that all of us realize how fragile it is. Whether you think it be fast or even deathly slow, it is always going no matter what. It is the one that that you know will go the same speed will always be moving and will always be there. Use it wisely. Seriously. It is one of the most taken for granted things on this earth as well. I am going to now try to use it no matter what, even if it's just lying around, sometimes you need that. But only sometimes you be the judge of your time. And I hope you realize the potential that you have. I wish everyone would realize that. It would make the world so much more productive and it would be nice to live here.

To quote the words of Ferris: "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once and a while you might miss it."

Happiness

Ooo, everything's so different now! It's all so beautiful.


Hello to my loyal readers! Haha to bad there aren't any huh? Oh well, I'm sure there are about a million people who are like me. They just write. Because..well they can. I once heard this quote that said, "Sometimes I grab my boobs, because...well, because I can." Totally. That happens more than once a day. It's very nice to know things are just there. It brings me joy. More joy than I could ever imagine. Really I can't imagine it. Because you know the old saying, "You never realize how much you love something until it's gone." That saying is the story of my life. I can't even imagine the things that we take for granted everyday. I watched this show a couple days ago. And it talked about a boy who had heard about third world countries and of course we all think "well that is too bad, I wish I could do more" Until you actually go to those places and you see the things that are actually happening. I can't even imagine. Again. Things that we take for granted in a day:
1) Well that I can sleep, some people suffer insomnia now I'm not always the best sleeper but I do sleep. Very nicely.
2) I have a home/bed/pillow/sheets/comforter/my own room to wake up to, all of those things there are people who...let's just say don't get to enjoy those luxuries.
3) I have wonderful food to eat. I have all the cereal I could ever want, in the morning. I have ramen, ham and cheese sandwiches and more recently my mom does take us out to dinner. So the food is very very well taken care (a little too much at times).
4) Electronics. Oh my. Well I have a cell phone (not a smart phone but still) I have an iPod touch that can get wifi (which is everywhere now!) I have a macbook air, my mom has three computers have a laptop that I share with my little sister, I have really nice head phones, I have a couple more laptops at my disposal at home, I have a school laptop, My family has two iPads. And with cameras? You don't even want to know. Lets just say I have been blessed when it comes to electronics.
5) My snowboards. I have one that I need to sell cause it's too short for everyday riding but I can let my friends borrow it when I want to take them. And I have my baby. I look at it every morning and it brings me strength. That all is well in the world as long as snowboarding is, somewhere, going on.
6) Family, and I don't just have them I have a loving, supportive, caring, family. Something that is very hard to find in these days. I hope I have never taken them for granted but sometimes I know I do. And it is very hard at times to see the good, but if I really think about it? I could find SO many good things that it would over power the bad. Especially when I think about some of the people I know, and how they grew up or how their lives have been. It's hard to remember that all the time though.
7) Education. Something that really not every country allows. I know that "school is dumb" but really? Come on guys, at least we have a learn abilities! and we can read and write. Look at it this way, if you fail at least you tried right?
8) Friend. I have a friend that I could..count on no matter what. I had never had a friend like that, expect my family since like sophomore year. And it is very nice to be able to rely on someone like that again.
9) My attitude. I think that overall my outlook on life is never going to change. I know that no matter how much chaunt I go through that things will be alright in the end. And I just gotta get through the hard times with a smile on my face. It's so hard at times. But really life? Its...wonderful. So wonderful.


I hope if you actually read my posts that you don't think I'm some dumb high schooler who needs somewhere to rant so she goes online. No. I really hope that through theses posts that someone somewhere reads them and is just..inspired! I want people like you guys to realize the potential each and every one of you have! So go out there and find it! But first, be happy. Its the best step in the right direction.

Life is Precious

Hello. Yet again my life has been changed. I have been feeling under the weather recently but you wouldn't know that from how I come off cause I keep cool and composed, and I have always remained like this ever since I can remember. I know that things for me have been easy, but everything is relative. I know that I have been blessed and that I have more things than some people dream of. But really? I mean sometimes life just throws big wads of crap right at your face and you are forced to just take it.

Today I learned of a suicide in neighboring town, I first heard about this death from my mom because they had called her in search of a picture I guess we had taken of him a few days before he died. Then I found out an hour later that it was a friend of our family. He was my little sister's first crush and I had talked to him and his older brother so many times. He was a good friend I had thought, and a good, happy boy. But I guess things aren't what they seem. And what an awful way to find these things out. This was a huge disgusting piece of crap that was flung at me square in the face. I had been reading this book called Thirteen Reasons Why, It's about this girl named Hannah who kills herself and send thirteen tapes to the people who helped her get to the point of killing herself, and now as I read I think to myself...how many kids does this happen to? What do they do about it? How do they cope with their pain? And the most important question I should ask is what can I do about it? I know that I shouldn't blame myself or anyone else for a death. They choose in the end. But people rely on other people too much. From Facebook, to reading magazines, to movies, TV shows, just immersing ourselves in other people's reality's that we forget to look around at all the is going on around us. All that we can do.

Daniel was a great kid. From what I knew of his parents and home life I would say it was just like mine, and knowing that really scares me. Knowing that a kid in the same predicament as me could actually be capable of taking his own life...But what if he wasn't and no one knew about it? What if he didn't open up to anyone and felt completely alone having the horrible things in life just stick out in his mind and have him forget all the good things that I'm sure were there cause I had seen them with my own eyes. What do you do then? How do you fix something like this?

In my religion I know without a doubt in my mind that I am going to see everyone who dies again. I know it. I know that when I die that I will see my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and my Grandparents, and their grandparents, and My friend. I know this. But how do I know that all of his loved ones do? How do you comfort them?

Life...its something precious. I know he knew that. And sometimes bad things happen. But from what I know about life..is that it goes on. No matter how much you think you can't go on there is always someone that will help you.

I will never forget that.

Remember, to the world you may be just one person, but to just one person you may be the world.

Inanimate Objects.

It's getting colder! Oh my, it is wonderful! Well I chopped off my hair recently, and when I say chopped I mean chopped 17 inches I gave away to locks of love. It was a really good feeling at first I was a bit shocked after growing that out for two whole years I felt like I was cutting a piece of me off...but then I was thinking, no its not. Its just dead cells on my head that will grow back cause my hair is a beast. Huge and thick. Won't curl. Won't straighten completely without being all statiticy the rest of the day. Its ok though, cause I do love my hair.

Isn't that weird how we human's get attached to things that..really in the whole scheme of things mean absolutely nothing. The things I am attached to I have shared a bond with, either because they represent something or someone. Like my record player for instance, I love that thing so much because first of all its a record player! so legit. and second it belonged to a wonderful women who meant a lot to me, my grandmother. Also it originally went to my brother who I also love and admire so there are two people tied into an inanimate object. My bed is next, I absoultely love my bed. I love the creeks it makes when I crawl in and out of it. I love the comforter I have on it that hasn't just kept me warm but has given me hope and comfort in times when I needed it. My room. For all the things I have gone through in it. Sneaking out, (not the best but kids will be kids), freaking out in it, cause of something someone said/did. My snowboard. Its a symbol of the one thing in life I love with all my heart. Everything about snowboarding is just perfect. Some of my clothes. There are those shirts that you would wear everyday cause the guy you liked told you that was his favorite or you just got a lot of compliments the day you wore it. The pants that make you butt look just right. A stuffed animal that reminds you of old times. I have a lot of those (don't judge you know you do too, and you can't bring yourself to get rid of them). All the memorabilia that I have collected over my years of life. which hang on my wall and remind me of good times. My house. Things have happened here that I will never forget. My grandma's house. She use to call it Conci. Cause it was a condominian and she would refer to it as her conscience, after her wonderful husband passed away. So many great times were spent in ol' Conci. Something you create, especially if you are very proud of it. Like a project for school or just something you drew or made up and was very proud of. You feel very attached to them and would only give them to people who meant a lot to you, or the person you made it for. They may never understand how much it meant to you but you will.

All these things are just inanimate objects and will eventually not be there anymore and yet...sometimes they are the things that keep me going. Why is that? Why do we put so much into them? You know. I really have no idea. I don't think it matters. We do it..and always will. Maybe that will be something I ask when I die. (I need to make a list of that). But I am glad we have them. Very glad. I think they are there to remind us of the memories we make with them. Cause when we die, we are taken nothing with us except our knowledge. So why not refresh it every once and a while.

So thanks inanimate objects that help me get through life. Your the best.

Enduring.

So you know those days that you just feel sad? Well, my mom and I decided that I "thrive on sadness" and why you ever would just want to be sad baffles me. I have my beliefs on why we are here as we all do. and I know what I know is right as do most people but really? Must we be so mean about our beliefs? In high school (which it seems like everything boils down to at least for me), things for people is the end of the world. For those people out there who say they don't care. Your just kidding yourselves people, if you didn't care about anything then you would never be seen, cause even a bum cares about something like getting money for..that next beer or meal. So I guess you need to specify about what you don't care about. I was reading these quotes today, and you know that feeling when your just starting to like a person, and you can't get them out of your head..? If people cared like that about everything the world be such a better place! Now think back on this last week. Was it good? and what does good mean to you? productive? Did you get what you wanted done? What would you have done differently. I was very pleased with my last week probably cause we didn't have the hell hole we call school on friday so my mother and I went to Utah to do something a lot more productive, babysit my little cousins. We did service for my family. And how much more satisfaction I got out of that was astronomical, Life is to be enjoyed not endured. -Gordan B Hinkley said that. He was an amazing man, and I'm sure he looked back on most of his life and was happy that he didn't just endure those moments but enjoyed them. Lets enjoy our life people. Don't get caught up in the moments that you must endure, cause you have no other options. Try your hardest all anyone could ask.

Happiness

Why is happiness so contagious? Its freakion great. What kind of person dosen't want to be happy? A person who needs to be shot. Thats all I wanted to say.

Fear

So I have been thinking a lot recently, about so many things. Have you ever been just having like a bad day, one after the other? Well, I kinda feel like that has been happening, but then something good happens to me and I don't freak out as much as I did. I know that my life is so much better than people's in Japan right now, My house is intact (now if I want to be in it is a different story), I have a family (and do they bug me sometimes/all the time? Yes.), I have a wonderful family who does support me..most of the time, but there are those little things that happen to you and you feel like the world is going to all come tumbling down right on top of you, and fear, fear is what scares us the fear of losing one of those things, fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, fear of whatever may scare the crap out of you. But for me, I think my biggest fear is and always will be, being alone. Not just physically, cause I'm alone all the time, no I'm talking about when you are mentally alone. Thinking that if you never returned, (heaven forbid) that no one would miss you if you left, I think that would be the worst feeling in the world, but I may be wrong different people have different thoughts on the worst feeling. When I was a kid, I use to have bad dreams that I would get kidnapped from my family, and it would scare me out of my mind to the point when I was afraid to go to bed at night, I knew that nothing would happen to me, but still scared me thinking about it. Just not being close to the people I loved scared me the most. I heard once in the "Advise to the Class of '99" that you should wear sunscreen, but also it said to do something everyday that scares you. I remember thinking now why would I do that? Who wants to be scared, so from then on I tried it but after a while it was hard to find things that I was afraid of, I then realized that is why he said that, conquering your fears is something that everyone should do everyday. The world would become unimaginable. But the key is to find something of a worthy cause to master, and when that happens the world won't have a choice but to get better. Fear, can engulf every fiber of your being. It can just over take every aspect of your life. Its really a quite powerful tool, and I think that is why people need to learn how to harness it by doing good. Fear is a good thing if used correctly, if you have no fear, and you just go for everything, your life will come to an end much quicker than someone who's life was thought through and such. Lets take fear of being rejected for an example. I think the most important thing is to not let them see you down. Let them know that what they did to you didn't affect them in the least. You are the, not the bigger person exactly, but you are the person who will, go farther who can do more for the world. Someone who will be the next president of your chess club, your church, the united states. Someone who can control the emotions we are blessed with is someone who will one day become great human beings. Even if they are just in charge of their own children those children will learn something from them, and they will teach their children who will teach their children and so on. It's a never ending cycle that we all live in. The Circle Of Life. Its so worth all the trouble from that one person from that one rejection. Just do it! Things will change people!