Update on Goals.

Things have changed a bit since writing last. I have decided a couple things.

One: I have come to the conclusion that I have never had a "clean slate" when it comes to boys. So what I have decided is telling every guy that may have a crush on me or vis versa about the fact that I am still very much in love with my ex David Hartshorn and I can't/shouldn't have anything with anyone until I am able to give them all I have. And I don't think I will be able to until I let them go. I know how now. There is a part of me that has been changing since David left. I am learning...growing. I honestly think that a part of me is doing this because of David. Cause I...feel like I am being prepared or something...like I am learning all that I need to from him or about him. I know that this may all sound crazy. But I was thinking about the whole coincidence of finding his letters and I think about him everyday (as much as I try not to)...I don't think it is by chance these things keep happening. I think I am being told that someday I might be so blessed. Maybe not with him, but with someone. I know that I am learning though. I think also I am not done with David...I think that he may move on and if so...it might kill me, (that's me being selfish too) but I know that I will be okay. Because my main focus is on my Father in Heaven, and I know that He has told me to do this. To be able to focus on one person. One boy. Give him all of me.

I think I am able to do that because of the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven. He has given me that gift, and for that I am very grateful to Him.

Two: I love my Father in Heaven. I love the things that I am learning on this earth, about all of his creations, people, plants. But mostly plants. I feel close to Him when I am in class. While I am learning and understanding. I know that my life has taken a different turn because I am letting Him in again.

Three: I love my family. I know I have said this many times, but this time it is different. I know that they will love and support me no matter what. Even my father. I love my father. And the man he is now. I know that I will always know that too. My dad has shaped me no matter what I think. So Dad, thanks. I think you have done a good job. I love my mom too. Very much. I love her love for me, it is very unique to our relationship as it should be. I love my brother Joseph, I love his love for us too. Sometimes I know for a fact that my life is being touched by him specifically, so Bo-bo, thank you. I love you very much and forgive you for anything that has happened. I love you Hobo.

So that is it. I am still in love with David, but am focusing on that, and that alone. I have told every boy that, those are my feelings, and I have never done this. I know that I will be able to have a "clean slate" if I do it this way and things don't ever happen with David, which they might not, but that is what I am getting from Heavenly Father right now so that is what I am rolling with.

Trying..

So it is 8 o'clock in the morning and I just got back from going to the Rexburg Temple, and let me tell you guys, I love it there. No matter how I feel I can go and relax even if it's for two mins and then my mind starts going to other things, but even that two mins is enough for me to listen to my Heavenly Father and his will for me at this time.

This particular snowy morning I was sitting in the chapel of the temple after my session, I took out my mini Preach my Gospel and was trying to find a place to take some notes of either my thoughts or some of the things I needed to do today and stumbled upon a letter David had written me. I thought my heart was going to come out my throat. This isn't the first time this has happened, the Lord seems to through him in my face often, daily in fact, but I understand that. So while I was reading this letter he had written me I was almost begging Heavenly Father that we could be...something again. I didn't even care what it was, something that I could have him in my life again. After my cry fest in the chapel I opened my heart, opened my mind, and was willing to do what the Lord wants me to do.

This what my loving Heavenly Father told me to do, to write. To get all of my crap out, and all my frustrations will come to a close. I told him that I will put it in His hands, but if by some awesome circumstance that David might read this and have his heart softened that would be even better, BUT I am not banking on that, and I will still progress, still move forward with my plans and life.

Now that we all know why I am writing, I am going to say a couple things I am struggling with; one I am struggling with not having David in my life. It has snowed here and this time last year I was with him, enjoying the snow, but I know that is the way life goes....but ya know what?? I am not going to say how I should be feeling okay. I feel this way and I just going to say it. I miss David. I miss watching Frozen with him, I miss him talking to me, I miss him pushing me to talk, (cause I haven't since he left), I miss his loving letters everywhere (even though I keep finding them), I miss him being a gentlemen to me. Okay. So that is the David situation.

Now I miss snowboarding. I don't think I'll be able to get to do much this season either but the utter happiness I feel being on the mountain is something I can't express in words.

I miss having a simple life. I miss not having to choose what grad school to go to or whether or not to go to grad school. I miss my mom.

Okay, now I'm done with that. I hope that you all know that I am not bipolar...kinda, I am just trying my hardest to follow my Father in heaven.

I have done my part in writing. I hope that I feel better soon. I'll just keep up the prayers and study. It's the cure to everything right?

Examining Life.

This past week I was able to spend in Phoenix with my horticulture class, and I learned a lot. A lot about myself and what I want to do. A lot about dating cause I was in a minivan with a bunch of single girls and boys the whole week. A lot about the education required for the things I am looking into to pursue as a career. 

But I wanted to write just to tell you some things I've been feeling. I recently have been understanding The Lords timing; that it is something I needed to trust in a long time ago. That my life would've been a lot easier if I had done that. I don't regret anything, but I do hope that I am able to do that for my future. My brother wrote me a letter a couple days ago about dating, and it hit home with me. I hope that people understand that getting married is important and should be done, but the BEST way it will be accomplished is by creating the best person you can be. And the only way we will do that is through Christ's atonement. 

This week I was able to examine my life...my faults and strengths. And the conclusion I have come to is that I am doing good. I can always do better and most certainly will. But I can always work on the things that I know I struggle with. 

I hope that everyone can look at their lives and say that they are doing the best they can for the God they serve and love. I know that I can. If you can't...then work on it, however you feel the need to, just make sure that you are doing it for yourself and your personal relationship with our Father in Heaven because in the end, that is all that will matter. 

David Post.

Sometimes I forget about my therapy session here.

Yet again I am changing, growing, learning, just like all of us. Whether we realize it or not. But the biggest thing I have learned as of late is that life is a good as YOU make it. I think people say that too often without truly realizing what they are saying.

I have had that first part written for a week now, but people I just want to say that I miss David. I miss him...I have no where else to say it. But I am slowly learning and understanding..but I do feel a bit of a wreck since he left my life. David, if you are reading this...remember that there is a part of me that wishes you were in my life still. But that I understand what you are doing. I just hope someday we can some sort of relationship again. I do love you, but would settle just for you to look at me again. I miss those eyes and smile. But I am doing amazing, for the situation I am in, the Lord has blessed me and my life tremendously since that time. I trust Him to help me make the best decision.

David...I miss you.


This was my post for therapy. Thank you.