Good Thongs Come to Those Who Wait

 Okay. This post needs to be written, and I have been trying to write it for a good week now. But here we go, my best attempt at trying to explain what is happening in my life.

So. David Shannon is no more, my friends. It is for the best...for both of us. He is a wonderful man and will make someone very happy, but I know that that person is not me. I think sometimes I struggle with that concept, but its only natural. It will fade with time. 

Onto my new adventure. New major, new outlook on life, new attitude. I was starting to feel antsy, like something big was coming. Something in a form that I wasn't going to be able to completely understand. I knew that I was destined for greatness and that I am still destined for such greatness, it just came in a form that I wasn't completely prepared for. But I couldn't be happier with the outcome it has given me. 

Lets start at the beginning, cause its a very good place to start, (I know you are singing that song now). So when I came up to school this last semester, I wasn't completely sure how my life was going to pan out. At all. All I knew was that I still had feelings for David Shannon and I knew they weren't going to be reciprocated in a way that I had hoped but I still clung on to that tiny glimpse I had of a relationship with him. So to make a gigantic story short, I tortured myself everyday with the sight of David, trying my hardest to go out of my way to see him, to just get a glimpse of what I thought was suppose to be my future. Eventually I knew I had to stop this agonizing torture I was putting myself through. I knew that it needed to stop. And as soon as possible. So I started looking at the people around me, realizing that if it were to not work out that I was going to be okay. Anyway to make another freaking long story short. I met David Clifton Hartshorn. And this name ladies and gentlemen you best be getting use to. It'll be around for a very long time. I, ironically met this David in science class as well, we both were friends with a guy named Dakoda so we both sat there, and to make ANOTHER long story short I fell for him. Hard. He and I have had more moments of "yes, this is right" then I have had with anyone, I have ever met. I have never felt more connected to someone then him. I know that he is suppose to be here. No doubt in my mind. Now, reading all my past posts and then writing this makes me seem like one of those girls who will fall for every Tom, Dick and Harry, or in this case every David in my science class. But guys...you don't understand, the way I feel has so much more to it this time, it comes in ways that are impossible to describe with mere words. All I know for sure is that my life isn't going to be the same because of this boy. I'm still a little flabbergasted at my actions and feelings, but I could not be happier, and frankly I don't remember ever being this happy with someone in my entire life. Ever. 

So. That was my best way to explain New David. He is very special to me, and means more to me then...many people in my life. I feel...so many things. But the best way for me to explain what I feel for this boy would be sweet, unconditional, love. 

And I thank my Heavenly Father for people like David Clifton Hartshorn, not even for me meeting him but for his existence on this earth. It gives me hope that there are still people like him who impact people everyday. The world is a better place because he walks the earth. 

I must have been doing something right to be blessed with his love. Thank you David. 

Last Letter to David Shannon.

Hi babe,

Well, for a while I was thinking "Okay, I am not going to write or think about him or anything" And I was doing okay there for a while, but ha! did my future lay out something a little different for me. The day you broke it off, a boy from SMYC (the youth camp I did) called me just to talk and make me feel better. I don't think he realized how much I was going through at the time. But now he and I have been talking everyday and he came down and visited me on Friday, and we went on a date. Oh my gosh. I couldn't stop thinking about you David. I missed you more in those moments then I ever thought I would. I know that this probably would make you mad, knowing I am talking to other guys and going on dates with them...but after the date, I came home and my dad was there and he just asked me what the heck I was doing? And ya know? I just broke down and realized that I am doing this to get back at you hun. Get back at you for just not wanting me enough to talk it through, for ignoring me. I also realized that I am doing this because, what you did really took a toll on my esteem. And the boy I had dated before you, you know how awful my esteem was after him. Not for the same reasons, but David, in a way this hurts just as much if not more. I feel so helpless and inadequate. The fact that you can just not have anything to do with me, it makes me ache with pain David, that I don't mean or haven't meant enough to you, that you can just shut it off like a pathetic switch.

Now, these letters may seem a bit harsh and awful. But really? I am okay most of the time. Life still goes on. I am happy when I do the things I know I should. So to be happier, this is my last letter to you David. Everything I feel or am going to feel will be for naught. You aren't ever going to read these and I do not think that you are going to want to put up with me in the future, so this isn't really going along with my theme of making a difference, I love you sweetheart. I really always will. But I may not always need you. I am realizing my potential. I know that I was willing to bring some of my potential, to raise you up. But you weren't willing to receive it, so that is fine with me. I do miss you, all the time, and still think about all that we use to do together. But I know that there is someone out there for both of us, to fulfill our purposes on this earth with. And it may not be each other.

I truly, and sincerely hope that you get what you need out of your life. That you live it to your fullest and not waist one moment of it being stressed, complaining, or just being sad. I whole-heartily believe that you can do anything you want. If you want to be a fireman then be a fireman hun. Don't let money get in your way. You and your wife will still be happy David. I also genuinely know that you can be a dentist. Don't stress so much about it sweetie. It helps nothing. And don't let people tell you that it is okay to stress, cause it is not. It's good to care. There is a big difference. I hope that your wife will be able to help you calm down in those situations. I know that you have astounding things to offer this world David, I've seen them first hand. You love and care passionately for those people you come in contact with, you are the most giving person I have met. Thank you for those things you taught me. The number one thing I am most indebted to you is your patience. It is the thing I am looking for in my future husband, if he has your patience then I will marry him, (unless he's like a mass murder or doesn't like movies haha). But I know that, that is the reason why you stuck around as long as you did. Thank you David.

I love you my sweet, wonderful David Science.




I'm sorry I was not what you were looking for.

Always yours,
Chelisa 

Letters to David.

Hello Dear,

So today for some reason I couldn't get you out of my head, what you were doing, why you are doing it, if you were happy, if you were talking to other girls already, if you have given up, if you just didn't care at all, my list is seriously endless. We were walking around in Balboa Park, and I swear I saw you walk around corners at least three times. I miss you so much. I felt like I was going to see you walk around a corner and see your face. I know the minute I see you it's going to change everything. I know that I am going to go either way. I miss you David. 

I know that right now I need to have been moved on, and started my grieving process, but I love you and my life is going to have to completely change if I need to move on. I have been talking to my family so much about it, and I think I need to just hear your voice to know if I should move on, but the fact that you don't even want to talk make me think that maybe all my pain is in vain. I wish we could talk, but I erased your number so that I wouldn't be tempted. I know that I would have talked to you a long time ago if it was still in my phone. 

You being three hours ahead of me has helped as well, at least its closer for you to maybe call me, text me, send me a smoke signal, something! I am dying over here. And I am more nervous to go home, to be alone. I seriously still feel like I am in another universe, and I hate it. I miss you more than anything sweetheart. I love you. And I hope that you will either tell me this is it, or something. Please just get ahold of me. I love you David James. Please help me move on. I'm sorry that I'm such a loony and that I just make your life harder than it should be. And I understand if you need time, but the longer you wait...the farther I'll drift. I'm sorry. I wish, with all my heart, that I would be able to be with you. 

I love you. 

Always yours,

Chels

Letters to David.

Hey baby,

Today I am feeling a little more human, I love hanging out with the family, and bring in Cali...the weather has kind of sealed the deal for me it has been over cast wherever we go. So that's kind of nice. I am still skinnier than I was when all this started. I do sit ups and crunches and such at night but haven't been recently due to my body literally falling apart, but I need to start doing those again.
My sister asked me if I was going to talk to you when I go back up to school again, and you know what? I had no idea what to say to her. I knew that there was a big part of me that wanted to say heck yes and that we were going to date and get married and yada yada, but I know that that isn't plausible to think about. It's bad for my heart. As much as I love you. I know things won't ever be the same again. One thing I always loved about us was that we never gave up on each other and that no matter what we never would...but unfortunately you did. You gave up. And I know that it was me too...but holy crap we gave up. And it cost us a marriage. I'm sorry. I wish with all my heart it wasn't true and how much I miss you is never going to die down.

I miss you.

And I love you David.

Always yours,
Chels

Letters to David

Baby,

Today I am just overwhelmed with how much I miss you. We drove to California today and it was the way that we drove to Cali, twice. I miss you David. So much. As much as I miss you though, I know it will never be the same after this. We will have given each other distance...and with that comes sacrifice and I think for me it is sacrificing a lot more that just time, its sacrificing my feelings for you. I know that I am saying this now, and being away from you does change many things for me. But I know that I need to remember that we both agreed on this and that I need to hold up my end of the bargain.

I emailed your sister today because I am desperate to know how you are doing. She didn't email back, which hurt even more. I knew I shouldn't have emailed her. I know that things aren't going to get better if I just sit here and sulk. But I haven't really sulked yet. I have been too busy, but it is all catching up to me now. We are in San Diego, and I have a pulled muscle, strep throat, and I can't breathe in without coughing, oh! and I have a broken heart (probably the cause for all this sickness in the first place). So I am...to say the least struggling.

I just miss you. I know that you aren't reading these, but for some reasons they make me feel better about what I am feeling. I have been having dreams about you recently, and gosh are they heart wrenching.

Anyway, I love you David. Always will. Even if you do make my body want to weep and then die. I still need you...

But I think I am slowly realizing I don't have to.

Always yours,
Chels

Letters to David.

Hun,

Today was the day I was suppose to be married to you for time and all eternity. Instead I spent it with Nathalie, Ashley, and Tanner at Lagoon. (which is where I wanted to go in between the wedding and reception haha just to be fun). But babe, I couldn't get you out of my head all day. There were couples everywhere. I struggled all day. I did have fun, as you always use to say I would. I did however miss everything about you.

I want you to know that I know that this isn't healthy that the things I write shouldn't be said. I can't help it. I just looked up and saw that it is August 11th. It was now suppose to be you and me against the world from here on out. Things were going to get so much easier from this point on, because I had you by my side. I had you to lean on. I knew that you loved me enough to love me forever. Things change...

I imagine myself being in an alternate universe. I had imagined this week to be so completely different than what it was. I know that the things I did this week kept me sane during this time. I love my family all the more for it. 

Today however was even weirder, I couldn't focus on anything. I needed to be constantly moving and thinking and being disconnected. I knew that if I calmed down I would crash. I am afraid to dream. I am afraid to fall asleep at night, knowing I may see your handsome face. I don't think I could handle it. I miss it too much. Sometimes I can't even think of how it looks any more, it's been so long...

Today was the day. And then...it just became another day. In one fell swoop. Sometimes I think about it and I get so furious at you for leaving me, and then I realize that it wasn't you who was the wrong one in this relationship, it was me. I realize that now. And for that, I am sorry.

Today I also realized that I still love you. I looked at all the guys in lagoon, and none of them. not one did I actually see them. All I could picture was your face. I miss you sweetheart. Last night I just listened to your voice mails till I fell asleep. Gosh how I miss you. Everything.

I guess when people how I am doing, I say I'm doing okay, but I know that if you were to walk back into my life I would run back to you no matter what you've done, I love you too much David James. I'm sorry again.

Always yours,

Chels

Letters to David

David-

I just got done talking with you and oh goodness. I have realized so many things in our span of our relationship. One thing I have learned is that I am not patient. I believe that this is part of the reason our relationship didn't work. I think I did push a lot. I'm sorry about that. Another thing I realized I do is speak before thinking. Like today for instance. I just push away so that I don't get hurt too much, but doing that I realize, hurts me more than holding on. Because while I push just proves to me that I am not ready to have someone as great and wonderful as you. I looked at that, and thought to myself that my maturity level isn't anywhere near what it should be, and that yours exceeds mine so much more.

The things that pull at my heart the most is you with someone else, being alone, and the saddness you feel about this (which I have no idea if its happening or not just what I imagine), or if you're not sad about it at all. That would hurt the most probably. You being with someone else, UGH! I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing you even talking to other girls. It just makes me want to vomit. But I know that if this doesn't work out, that I do want you as happy as possible. So I know that you will be with someone, but gosh I hope its me. I know it may not be.

Today you told me that you wanted to leave it up to chance and that you didn't want to push into anything, but I'm afraid if we do that, then nothing will ever happen again. I know it was chance that we met, that I sat down next to you, that I had you come over and give me my homework for science class, that you were the one I needed when Joe died. I know that you came into my life for a reason. I believe that it was to be there the rest of it. But I understand if you don't. I know that things change. 

One thing that I can't seem to grasp is the eternal perspective. Being at my family reunion this week is going to give me a run for my money. I know that if I can get through this week then I will be good the rest of my life, alone. After this saturday, August 10th 2013 my supposed wedding day, I will be okay. I know it. Just getting there is going to be the struggle. 

I am sorry david. Really. Always will be. 

Always yours,

Chels