David-
I just got done talking with you and oh goodness. I have realized so many things in our span of our relationship. One thing I have learned is that I am not patient. I believe that this is part of the reason our relationship didn't work. I think I did push a lot. I'm sorry about that. Another thing I realized I do is speak before thinking. Like today for instance. I just push away so that I don't get hurt too much, but doing that I realize, hurts me more than holding on. Because while I push just proves to me that I am not ready to have someone as great and wonderful as you. I looked at that, and thought to myself that my maturity level isn't anywhere near what it should be, and that yours exceeds mine so much more.
The things that pull at my heart the most is you with someone else, being alone, and the saddness you feel about this (which I have no idea if its happening or not just what I imagine), or if you're not sad about it at all. That would hurt the most probably. You being with someone else, UGH! I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing you even talking to other girls. It just makes me want to vomit. But I know that if this doesn't work out, that I do want you as happy as possible. So I know that you will be with someone, but gosh I hope its me. I know it may not be.
Today you told me that you wanted to leave it up to chance and that you didn't want to push into anything, but I'm afraid if we do that, then nothing will ever happen again. I know it was chance that we met, that I sat down next to you, that I had you come over and give me my homework for science class, that you were the one I needed when Joe died. I know that you came into my life for a reason. I believe that it was to be there the rest of it. But I understand if you don't. I know that things change.
One thing that I can't seem to grasp is the eternal perspective. Being at my family reunion this week is going to give me a run for my money. I know that if I can get through this week then I will be good the rest of my life, alone. After this saturday, August 10th 2013 my supposed wedding day, I will be okay. I know it. Just getting there is going to be the struggle.
I am sorry david. Really. Always will be.
Always yours,
Chels
