Hun,
Today was the day I was suppose to be married to you for time and all eternity. Instead I spent it with Nathalie, Ashley, and Tanner at Lagoon. (which is where I wanted to go in between the wedding and reception haha just to be fun). But babe, I couldn't get you out of my head all day. There were couples everywhere. I struggled all day. I did have fun, as you always use to say I would. I did however miss everything about you.
I want you to know that I know that this isn't healthy that the things I write shouldn't be said. I can't help it. I just looked up and saw that it is August 11th. It was now suppose to be you and me against the world from here on out. Things were going to get so much easier from this point on, because I had you by my side. I had you to lean on. I knew that you loved me enough to love me forever. Things change...
I imagine myself being in an alternate universe. I had imagined this week to be so completely different than what it was. I know that the things I did this week kept me sane during this time. I love my family all the more for it.
Today however was even weirder, I couldn't focus on anything. I needed to be constantly moving and thinking and being disconnected. I knew that if I calmed down I would crash. I am afraid to dream. I am afraid to fall asleep at night, knowing I may see your handsome face. I don't think I could handle it. I miss it too much. Sometimes I can't even think of how it looks any more, it's been so long...
Today was the day. And then...it just became another day. In one fell swoop. Sometimes I think about it and I get so furious at you for leaving me, and then I realize that it wasn't you who was the wrong one in this relationship, it was me. I realize that now. And for that, I am sorry.
Today I also realized that I still love you. I looked at all the guys in lagoon, and none of them. not one did I actually see them. All I could picture was your face. I miss you sweetheart. Last night I just listened to your voice mails till I fell asleep. Gosh how I miss you. Everything.
I guess when people how I am doing, I say I'm doing okay, but I know that if you were to walk back into my life I would run back to you no matter what you've done, I love you too much David James. I'm sorry again.
Always yours,
Chels
