Love.

I love being hyper. It's one of the few moments when I am completely happy with everything that is going on and I become one of the weirdest people ever. I love dancing. I love feeling the music pulse through my body. That feeling is one of the best in the world. I have a friend who talked about dancing and she said that she likes it cause her brain completely shuts off and she just dances. So I thought well maybe I should try that, and ever since then I feel pretty darn sexy while I dance. It makes you feel alive and fantastic! Dancing is definitely something that should be experienced on a daily basis. I do do it alone or with the few that are privileged to see me but that's still enough.

I'm so glad that I have friends. You always seem to take things like them for granted. And I love old friends that never change. I love going to see them and feeling the way you did even if it has been years since you hung out. Everyone needs friends like these. Like Laken. And Jordan. And Tannie. These are people who I would dance in front of, who I would love to go on a cruise with, who I would love to be in my wedding (if that ever happens, ha!), who I would be hyper around. These are people who I know will be in my life because they have already been through so much with me it is going to be difficult for them to get rid of me. I am also glad for new friends. In the Muppets, Gonzo the Great once said, "There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met." Mallorie is that word that hasn't been invented yet. She's an old friend who I've met only a few months ago. College can really change that for a person I think. You can choose who you want to be with 24/7, not just at night or in the mornings at school it's all the time now. It's very surreal and life changing.

Another thing I love is adrenaline. I think that is why snowboarding has become such a prevalent part of my life. The rush you feel while hearing that crackle under your board that first run back. It's the most beautiful thing in the world. The excitement when you know that jump your'e about to hit is going to be a great one! Or even a bad one, that's more terrifying. Even when I hear beautiful music. That shock that just rockets down my body is indescribable. I get it most often when my sister sings. Her high notes, most of the time, were one of angels. I know she's use to hearing that all the time and I am not sure if she completely understands her power, but I hope she does before she loses it. Gosh I miss her. I also get it when Mckenon sings. Not always, but there are a few songs that just...mmmmm. It's mesmerizing.

Never forget to love. Sometimes, not too often, but sometimes I will meet people who are incapable of it. And it just pulls at my heart. Whether it be because of a childhood problem or just because that is in their nature. It's a terrible thing to see. So remember to love. And love often. I makes people like you better, and want to be around you more often. 

Math Blues.

I am trying my hardest to stay awake in my math class right now and I think I fell asleep twice with my mouth wide open. Goodness. So I thought I would write.

But before we start I just hope that the person who I am writing this for actually reads this. He most likely will not but I hope he does. I have mentioned him before. He knows who he is. And if I had to choose one thing that I am good at is writing about "break-ups". So, here we go.

Let me first give you some background on this momentous event. Mckenon. (Yeah, I'm just going to say it.) if you had read the ones before you would know my ideas on him. After I wrote that last one Mallorie Lane came in and asked me promptly why I had written about him in the past tense, and to tell you all the truth, I never thought it would last. I never thought he could settle. I was thinking (shocker there huh?) that I have never, ever had a boyfriend. Isn't that sad? I never got to change my facebook status, I have never been able to say I was "dating" someone I was always just "talking" or some chaunt like that. How depressing, but the saddest thing is that most girls I know, are like me. And if their not they're either pregnant or scarred cause they made a horrible choice. Now I am not complaining. My life has been pretty darn fabulous, but one can always dream right? I mean that's what we're here for!

Now, back to the story. Mckenon and I really are, sorry were, great together. We were fun, he knew things that I liked and he would do them, he I thought at least at times that needed me. That was the thing though I never completely knew. But the thing is, is I feel that way about every guy I have been with. But every time there is a catch; I like them more than they like me. This didn't happen every time but the time that it didn't I would lose interest. Freaking Sucks. Ha! So I just gotta get this out.

Good ol' Mckenon and I aren't what we were two nights ago. I have no idea what happened. I just started talking and last night, and ended up losing...whatever the heck we were. At times I get super frustrated thinking about it, but I think again and I am very happy. Really. I know that all this stuff is happening for some stinking reason. It might completely blow. But it's happening, and I know that I'll be totally great. Which I am! I mean gosh, I already have a date tonight! But I know I will miss him and I wonder if he was the one..but I don't wonder too much. Haha. In the end it's all up to the man, at least in all my experiences. In this case Mckenon could have had me. End of story. But I think I knew deep down that he could never settle for someone like me. I am not bashing myself at all. I love myself and am happy by the way I have turned out but Mckenon...and I. I guess all this doesn't matter at this point hahaha. So why ponder.

This is what I want. I want to tell someone that I don't want them, but not take no for an answer. I want a movie moment. I want someone to just fight for me. Sometimes I think I just push them away just so that they will fight. That's it. I just want a fighter.

I am Chelsea Applegate, I have been broken hearted waayyyy to many times. I am going on a date tonight and I am going to have fun.

But can't life just turn out my way sometime?

It's coming. I feel it.

Bo Bo Richard Applegate

I remember when I would write these blogs when a friend died. Or a grandmother..those are people who are very very important to us; to some people more important than others. But I now know their pain.

Joseph Richard Applegate. Bo Bo. Hobo Joe. Jojo. My oldest brother. A friend. A son. Left this earth saturday night. My brother is one of those people who you feel like would pull something like this to just mess with you. If I hadn't seen him myself in the hospital and felt his hands all puffy and swollen. I would not believe it myself. The last time I saw Bo was when I was saying goodbye to head off to college, the first time I said bye to him he didn't hug me cause that is the way we were. My mom use to say that we were oil and water. But we invited them to Applebee's before I left and of course Bo was there. Fat kid. We hugged before I left the second time. Then on the 15th I called him for his birthday, and, me being a college kid I had no idea it was 11:15 at night and Bo had gone to bed but he answered thank goodness! He was very angry though. I told him I loved him and happy birthday. He said "Love you." And then promptly hung up.

My brother was not a man of very many words. He was my father in a younger version. Joe loved to work. Sometimes he was kind of scary to work with; he gets frustrated, but he was happy to have help when he worked. Bo loved to board. Longboarding was his past time. He got so many concussions on that thing. I remember one time he built a jump for the kids in the neighborhood, but of course joe had to use it. He was in the hospital that night with a huge concussion. Also his wife and I would go with a bunch of friends and just cruise around at night. Those were always so nice and relaxing. Snowboarding was my thing with bo. He was addicted. He would think of any excuse to get up on the mountain and my dad loved being with both of us, so he would take Bo quite often and he couldn't have been happier. We would get on the lift and he would sing, loudly! for the whole mountain to hear. We talked about things on the lift. He was always happy when we were snowboarding. He never washed his hair before we went so he would have to take off his helmet and scratch his head cause his hair was so disgusting. ha! It was really good stuff.

There are so many memories that we have with Bo. It is another thing to be close to losing someone cause Joe had done that as well. But to actually lose them. It's a very surreal thing. Something that I would never want anyone to go through. I love my brother, and I will the rest of my life. He is in a better place, and that gives people some comfort, but people are selfish and we think of ourselves and we are stuck here. Without him. That is the part that freaking sucks. I know that Bo and I will be united again. I have never doubted that.

I know I may be biased saying this but, my family is a family who CAN do this. I have never seen us all pull together like this. Now don't get me wrong life sucks for us right now and we have our moments when we just fall apart. But we have more moments of Joe happiness.

I love my brother. I will miss him more than people can imagine.

But life isn't what you imagine it would be I guess. There are people around you that are dying to help. Just look around for the good in life. It is there. I promise.

My brother would find it. I know that he is happy where he is. That is the biggest plus in this whole situation..

I love you Bo Bo. Keep up the monkey dance. We'll join you soon. You silly boy.

Life sucks.

I have been thinking about writing this for a very long time..well actually it's been 3 days. But these are the kind of days that feel like years. I am starting this at college. My lovely wonderful college bubble that I have been privileged to stay in for this horrific experience. I would never want anyone to go through what I have been going through up here, at least not without the two people that I have gotten to associate with during this time.

Mallorie Lane Hakanson. She and I...clicked the second we met. She was the only persons name I can remember, cause when you first get to college everyone you talk to is new, so there are about a million names, but Mal's, her's I just retained. I have no idea why and then she started quoting the movie Hoodwinked and we've been inseparable ever since. During this time of my brother, I...needed a girl to act just like I would in this situation and she fit that perfectly. She never told me that it was going to be okay when it wasn't at the time, she just knew when not to talk and when to talk. She knew how to get me to laugh and shrug it off when I needed to. Mal is among the greats in my life. Thank you Mal. For being such a stubborn butt, for telling me Grandma Carol stories, for watching the OC, for being in my life when it was such a mess. but for cleaning it up (;

Mckenon Victor Abreu. That should just say it all. He is one of those people who you don't care where he is you want to be with him. Not like romantically or anything he is one big ball of happiness. People had said that about me at times and I never had met any guy like that yet. But Mckenon, he is better. Everyone in the world needs a Mckenon. Even if they don't like him (which I do(: hehe) they just need one around. He never let me feel..too sad. It's understandable to be depressed, cause that is how life goes sometimes but in this case it was hard to feel that way with him around and like I said I was in a bubble. And I am still enjoying this bubble, very much. I will never really be able to express my gratitude to him. He was heaven sent while I had him. I hope he knows how much he meant to me during that time and how much he did help, not even by doing anything. That's how magical he was. Never thought I would meet somebody like that. Glad I have. Thank you. 

College Morning.

I am writing to you all on the morning of me leaving for college. I don't think that anyone really can prepare for this moment. I have been truly freaking out the past couple days. But there are things that I have learned in the past 18 years.

1) I love my sister.
2) I love my parents.
3) I am very much a procrastinator
3) I don't function very well when pressure is applied to me.
4) I tend to miss people a little to much.
5) I love The Gospel.
6) I love Laken.
7) I love every person who has helped get to this point in my life. (which is pretty much every person I have spoken to)
8) I need to just breathe.
9) I love my brother.
10) I love my brother and his wife very much.
11) I Chelsea Sara Applegate, am going to do amazing things at college.

It's hard to believe that my sister is just going to be at school or a hobo is going to just go on begging for food like he does everyday, or some random person is going to go to work maybe cheat on his wife or maybe not. But whatever it is. Only a couple people realize this massive change that I am about to go through. I know that its for the best too. Thanks.

Thoughts, Thoughts, Thoughts/Boy Front.

Well, I am leaving. I am officially packing. It feels so weird, and awesome. I see all these pics of everyone at college and it kinda freaks me out. I am afraid I am either going to have that and feel super weird, or I will not have that at all and feel like a freakin loser. Ha. Stupid thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could just shut them off!

So my dad informed me last week that in december if I don't have money for the next semester then I don't go to school. This was after a week with my friends (pretty much meaning spending lots of money) anyway I feel like I have been had! Here I am thinking that oh my parents will be there for me. They are but I understand where they are coming from, and I mean isn't that what college is all about? Being dirt poor and never having food? haha well, that is going to happen. I feel it. I am excited to be poor.

The boy front. Is still there. Suck. It sucks. I call it a front for a reason. There are about..3 kinda 4 soldiers that I have to fight with in my head. Sometimes it is nice to have them there like on the nights, when..well ya know. And I loved that life for a while..but now I am getting just so..tired of it. I like each and everyone of these people. But I am leaving. Thank goodness. One of them I want to take with  me. One of them I love but I can't. (I saw him yesterday, it was like a stabbing that I could barely handle. Gosh I sound like freakin bella. :P) Two of them went to school at NMSU. One of them I worked with all summer. And one of them is on a mission. Oh gosh. I sound like an idiot. Soon I will be on the road to new adventure! And I can find new boy soldiers to fight with there. People keep telling me that I am going to get married. Oh, I hope that doesn't happen. I am so afraid of that too. But ya know what? My fears can suck it.

Getting back to the purpose of this post. I think its mostly about thoughts, and how we let it rule our lives. I have been watching Doctor Who, recently (it is so addicting, it's like a drug.) And The Doctor, never takes what is put in front of him. He turns things into what he wants them. Now I am not saying that everything you can change, but MOST things you can try at least, and sometimes that is enough. I am trying to take everything is given me recently and mold it into what I need. Not want, but need. They are two completely different things. I love thoughts, but someday they will be the death of me, or of a relationship. Don't let thoughts control you people. Make a difference. (I sound so cheesy. But I love it!)

Time.

I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower.

And I have to say that it taught me many things. One is that I need to be in the moments that I create. I need to not think of the future so much, and especially not my past. It's hard to have a real life if all you do is live in the past. Just like Timon and Pumba said, "You gotta put your past behind you." and "Hakuna Matata" But I was feeling weird after I read the book cause I imagined all my past relationships and I wondered if they thought about things like I do. Sometimes I imagine that I am just this lonely girl who is very pathetic and just thinks. When I hung out with my friend he always use to say that I thought way to much, and it use to bug me that he said that..but I think about it (Ironic) and I know that I do but that it's just the way I am. I have always been that way, I don't necessarily think about what people think about me, but just in general and in this book the main character does that all the time! And in the end the girl he has loved the whole time told him that he needs to start taking control and do what he wants. So he kisses her. It was very sweet and nice.

Like I was saying though, I felt very sentimental tonight I know that I am leaving in a few short weeks and I was beginning to think about all the times I have had here in this town. All the people that have affected my life. I know it is kinda creepy but I went to a couple of their houses just to look and enjoy. I went to a couple ex's. I loved being able to just sit and think. I like slowing down. I enjoy what it does to your body. I am a very rushed person in general. I do my best work when I do that sometimes. But in this case I went to man's house who I still to this day am not completely sure about. You your first "love" well, he wasn't a love I feel like he is just there. I know that he always will be and that is what eats at me the most I think. I know that he loves me too..but it is so stinking complicated that I just rid myself of it completely. I hope someday that he and I could be what we were before we became what had hoped for..forever. But I do love him and I loved being with the guy.

Anyway what this post mostly is about is that of time. I know it is one of the hardest thing to understand. But I hope that all of us realize how fragile it is. Whether you think it be fast or even deathly slow, it is always going no matter what. It is the one that that you know will go the same speed will always be moving and will always be there. Use it wisely. Seriously. It is one of the most taken for granted things on this earth as well. I am going to now try to use it no matter what, even if it's just lying around, sometimes you need that. But only sometimes you be the judge of your time. And I hope you realize the potential that you have. I wish everyone would realize that. It would make the world so much more productive and it would be nice to live here.

To quote the words of Ferris: "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once and a while you might miss it."