Well hello all. I know that you all love hearing from me, but right now I am struggling, (I also know that isn't that big of a shock either) but, since I can't talk to David, or my family. I have to tell someone how I feel, and that I guess will be you guys. So in hopes of maybe David reading this I going to write letters to David. Anytime I need to relieve myself. So here's letter número uno:
So when all this happened the first time and I knew that you weren't going to be able to marry me, I looked back on how all this happened and I remembered the nights we Skyped before we went up to school last semester, I remembered how excited and happy I was when I saw your name or heard anything about you. And that first time we talked about marriage it wasn't me who started it, haha who started talking about all of it. I know that after that it was me. All me. I know that what is happening to us is cause of me. I just looked around at all my cousins and friends who had their husbands and wives and how happy they were, made me so envious. I know that that is not an excuse at all. But at first when this happened I was okay, really I remember being able to go to work and not think about it, but the closer I get to the "suppose to be" wedding day, I just wanna be with you, I don't even care if I have to just Skype you, I miss you. I know that I should stick with what I chose. But I also know that the longer I spend not talking to you the smaller window I have to maybe marry you someday. I also know that that is pressure too, and that is what we were trying to get rid of, but it's so hard. That is why I am writing this. I hope maybe someday you'll read it, and run back to me. Ha. I don't think the majority of the things I think about are true. Or even possible. I'm sure that's very unhealthy but, I don't care it's what keeps me sane at this point of my life.
Being around my family, is probably the worst feeling ever. I love my family to death, and have never had this problem before, but I remember thinking about how I will always have you with me, it's so comforting and relaxing to me to even think about. And at my reunions we are insane, I know that I'll have fun still, but gosh how I wanted to show David my life. And it's not just the fact that I want someone to be with it's that I want David. Cause I am talking to other guys, and I just have no interest at all in any of them. I miss my Mr Science.
David, I'm sorry if you read this, I hope it doesn't out any unwanted feelings, I just wanted to tell someone how I feel. I still do love you. Very much. And need your presence in my life. Thank you for all the good memories you've given me to hold onto while we're apart. But I need you. I'm sorry. Again.
Always yours,
Chels
