Life and Demons

This story is based off of my brother's unconsciousness in the hospital. This is what they do. 

            

Scott Simkin felt surging pain, but he also knew that something was happening - something he couldn’t explain.  He could feel himself slipping out of his wounded body and then saw his suffering body gasping for every horrific breath. Scott knew that he had gotten to this point in his life because of all his ghastly, foul, vile demons.

            Scott looked around at his surroundings and realized that he was in an airport. He had never been to this particular airport, but didn’t all airports look the same? The airport was abandoned. It had this eerie feeling about it. Scott was walking up the dead escalators when he spotted a man coming toward him and realized he was cantering with great purpose in his step.

“Hello” he said with a sultry voice.

“Who are you? Where am I?” Scott asked in a frantic voice. But all the man would do is chuckle and shuffle away. In a very confused manner Scott paraded after the strange man.

“Your life Scott Simkin, is going to be shown to you. Pay close attention to you feelings and actions.”

            Middle school comes to Scott’s mind. He remembered this day. Scott was in the lunchroom with his buddies when one of them pulled out a bag. Scott knew that today would be the day he was going to use the contents in the bag. Not because he wanted to, but because he told himself he needed to. And Scott’s “friends” definitely gave him many reasons to try it. Scott justified it like he had done with all his other so called “choices”. It was okay, no one would ever find out. They wouldn’t. And that faithful day of middle school was the day Scott tried the poison that would bring about his ugly destruction.

            Scott knew his life was made up of a million of these moments, when he was too weak to stand up for something he knew to be true. He felt these demons all his life.

The next moment Scott saw was April 13^th, 2008. Scott was a senior in high school, and his family was oblivious to all the wars that had been going on in his head. This day Scott was with his girlfriend when his friends “lit one up”. Scott realized for the first time that the gnawing feeling he had experienced every other time he’d had to make a choice between right and wrong was finally gone. He was grateful for that.

            To understand Scott, you had to understand Scott’s family.  He had a very pleasing, well off family.  He had good parents with Dad serving as a bishop and Mom a great lady. Scott was the oldest of four children - a younger brother, and two sisters idolized what Scott did everyday. Scott’s family members were his favorite people as they were the ones to help keep the demons under control.

Suddenly Scott’s mind floated to one of the many wonderful Sunday nights at his house and all of the happiness he felt there. Scott loved how on this Sunday night, they made no bake cookies, sang and danced to Les Miserable while doing the dishes and laughed a lot.  Scott felt right for a while again.

            But no matter how happy he felt at home, Scott never got rid of his demons. Despite the love he felt for his family, the demons were starting to become a daily horror for Scott until one day when Scott met the love of his life. Her name was Sam and she was one of the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen. His mind traveled to the first time they met. She was crying on his shoulder about her ex-boyfriend, and he realized this girl was more than he could ever ask for. His brain moved to their wedding day and he realized this had been the happiest day of his life.

            Sam made life bearable for Scott for the longest time. Yet as his life continued to unfold, Scott knew what was coming and he was dreading it. The day of Scott’s reckoning was coming into view, but before he let it, he pleaded with his mysterious partner, “Why are you showing me this day? Any day but this one.”

The man just looked at Scott with sadness in his eyes.

“You must experience this pain to know the joy you could have.”

            Scott was lying in his hospital bed.  His beautiful, loving wife and sweet family surrounded him while his mangled body clutched onto each breath. Scott knew that he had screwed up to the point of no repair. He had never felt so much anguish, remorse, and misery in his life. He could feel all of the sadness in that room - all the excruciating pain, all the agonizing regret, and all the heartache from every single loved one in that hospital room.

            From close by Scott could hear his strange escort begin to speak. 

“Scott, you have had many unbearable demons in your life and now is the time for you to make a very important decision.” He continued, “This airport represents a place where people only temporarily stay. There are two planes leaving soon.  One will return back to your life -back to your demons, back to the consequences of your choices, but also to your loved ones and the sweet times with them.”

Then he looked at Scott with those same longing, loving eyes. “The second one will travel to quite a different place where you, my dearest Scott, can progress and become the best person you should be. It may seem easier, but you won’t be with your loved ones. You have to realize, that sometimes the best thing to do for someone is to let them go.”

Scott Simkin chose that day. His family misses him very much. 

Beautiful People

Here are some more beautiful people:

Mallorie Lane Hakanson. This wonderful girl kills me. She has this sense of humor that can seriously make anyone laugh. She is so great at being a good person. You can tell that she genuinely wants to be an all around good person. I admire her so much for that attribute. I admire a lot of things about that girl. She is so strong. She knows how to get to a person. In a way that I have never seen anyone else. She is definitely one of a kind. I am very sad that I didn't get to hang out with her as much this last semester but I am very glad she is in my life. I know that she is going to go on to do great things with her life. Her wonderful, hilarious, and beautiful attitude is going to take her places that are going to blow people away. I love this girl. I always will. I hope she knows that someday too. I miss her. 

Bresia Yates. She is so dead set on getting married it would make me giggle at times. I love her. She is a very strong girl. I know that she may have some hard times. And that she may have even harder ahead of her. But I am not worried one bit about her. I know that Bresia Yates can handle anything. She has a spirit of adventure and she is really ready for anything. Sometimes she acts like a man. But it the cutest man that could ever happen. Bre is going to also go places. She is going to be the best mother in the entire world. Truly she will be the best. I am so glad that I got to know her. She has helped me be more sensitive and welcoming to hugs. I know that she is going to any man happy. I just wish that she would realize her potential and live up to what she knows she can be. I also know that she will figure it out. She is amazing and is going to give lots to the world.

Elizabeth Bassett Applegate. My mother. She is the women that showed me how to be me...

Seeing Love

I love seeing love. It is one of the most precious things on this earth and it is so nice to see it. I just want to tell you some places I hope to find love. In my husbands eyes. I want him to look at me like...no one else. I have just recently gotten glimpses of this love but it was never completely or even close. Which is okay in this point of my life.

I want to find it and I do find it in my family. Even though we are messed up just like everyone else we also have one of the most amazing family dynamics I have ever seen. In this last trip I saw more love in my family then ever before and I know that it was always there it was just easier to see cause we all needed each other just a little bit more with what we went through with Bo Bo.  

Newly weds. My mom and I have been to countless weddings! And sometimes unfortunately we do not see the love that I am talking about. But everyone does have/see differently than me. I know though I however will not be having my spouse gaze at me in that way.

The way that people gaze at there passions. Whether it be plants, juggling, their religion, snowboarding, making cookies. Whatever you love if I can see it in your eyes I know that you love it. The most recent example I have of this love is a boy named David science. He just served a mission for our church to Guatemala. And holy cow I have never seen someone's face light up as much as his does when he talks about Guatemala or the gospel. It is definitely something that everyone needs. A love for something. Like for my dad I know it is missionary work. My dad could do that all the time for the rest of his life and be a very content man. 

Mine is snowboarding. It is my obsession. It makes my life exponentially easier to live when I know that I am going to be on the mountain soon.  

It doesn't really matter where you see it, what matters is if you feel and express it everyday of your life because it makes life a whole lot simpler to live. It makes people around you less stressed and so in the end all there is is positivity emanating off of your body. Life can't be better when love is involved because "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return." love me some Moulin Rouge.

Not So Fairy Tale Happily Ever After..

So I wrote this essay for my english class and I wanted you all to enjoy it, cause it's kind of a work of art.

            Happily ever after, do you even know what that means? I mean after what? After you meet this "glorious" person and what? You literally ride off into the sunset? Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's freaking bull. It’s a myth. It is an idea put in our heads at a young age and we torture ourselves to get what we think we need to live our lives to the fullest. “Fairy tale happily ever after” are in books and are meant to give us hope. But in the end all it does is crush the reality that we truly do live in.

            Women are the worst at deciphering reality and their fantasies. I quote from the very wise and wonderful movie He’s Just Not That Into You: “We are not the exception, we are the rule.” The rule states if I guy or girl doesn’t like you then they don’t. That’s it. They won’t fall in love with you over a long, romantic hour and a half of love songs, funny happenings, or embarrassing stories. And I think that people know this to be true, but when you go through a break up, or something to that effect, don’t you hear a "he said, she said" story about someone having the same situation as you, but theirs having a happy ending? And this happening to you every time something goes wrong in a relationship, I can see why people tend to think that they are the exception to this horrible, yet very real rule. When in actuality your life is what you make it. And if you remember that you are the rule, it will help while searching for your “true love”.

            Now I’m sure we all have imagined ourselves with that prince or princess. But let’s be real. Have you ever truly met someone that sings and frolics their way through the flowers, or someone who rides their trusty steed to come to your rescue? We might put people we know in these categories, but truly, no one does these things. I rarely ever see a relationship that is functional. 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. People start out in this fable world and expect that to be enough for the rest of eternity. People should embark on this wonderful adventure but these journey’s passengers will mumur, complain, and eventually forget to mend the problems they face on this voyage we call marriage. Marriage is work. It definitely does not need to be thought of in a carefree way or it will end like 50% of America. Think about it, what was the last prince charming or princess you knew? And how it was after you got to know them, and I mean really know them? Did they stay your precious prince or princess? You gotta work. A ton. And not just one of you, both of you have to put forth massive amounts of effort at all times.

            But how are you supposed to find your “one true love” if all we ever hear is bashing on the other sex? What is the first thing that comes out of a girl or guy’s mouth when something bad happens in a relationship? “Oh, I hate boys!” or “Girls are so confusing, they suck!” I mean all we do is complain about each other! How are we suppose to have a happily ever after if you don’t even like the opposite sex? As a Mormon community we always talk about how the earth is getting to be so full of temptations and hatred, and I think that negativity in this aspect is a big part of it, horrible relationships being justified by the victims of abuse, verbally, sexually, etc. is something that is happening everyday.  Chivalry is dead people. What happened?

            All the chick flicks, love songs, storybooks, they set us up for heartbreak and disaster. Really, they take all of our hopes and dreams, raise them up as high as they can go and then literally shatter them into a thousand pieces. And the sad thing is, is that we keep going back to them. We seek comfort in them. This give us false hope. Extremely false. Your boyfriend is not going to stand outside your window one night and throw rocks at you to get you to come outside and make out till the music starts and your life just fades out into the sunset. No. A girl is not going to run out into the rain and yell your name while you sexily, play football. It’s an illusion that is shoved into our heads when we are children, when we read that first fairy tale. It screws all our realistic thoughts. Some people get so lost in them that they really do lose their reality. They lose their grasp on life.

            Now hope and being unrealistic is two completely different things. Having hope is being happy about your life no matter what is thrown at you. Possessing hope is definitely something that needs to be done everyday. But having thoughts of things like a easygoing, wonderful marriage is something that is unreachable, at least, the way we precieve marriage and the way it should be. It is something that is unattainable unless worked for, for the rest of eternity, literally all of eternity, for us Mormons. It works; it really does if you just know what is needed throughout marriage. It is not easy, but it will be worth it.

            The two key words in this phrase is fairy tale. It is just that a fairy tale. It’s something that is made up for little children so that their imaginations will blossom. They are wonderful concepts when we are five years old. But as we grow up, remember that life sucks. It just sucks less when you realize that you are the rule not the exception. You also have to remember that an exception to the rule can be made, it just takes so much more work then the stories tell you. So get off of your lazy butt, stop complaining about your love life, and start living your own life. A fairy tale happily ever after isn’t ever going to happen, so why not make a story of your own?

Yep.

            

May I present, Tom DeLonge.

We gotta remember that hope is more powerful than we know. I was listening to this song by Angels and Airwaves, It's called Rite of Spring. 

Here are the lyrics for it:

I was locked all day in the summer heat,
In a small brown house in Suburban Street,
With a skateboard and my shit guitar,
I'd dream all day that they would get me far,
My dad would ask me about my grades,
The asshole sports that I never played.
And then I'd ask about the girls he'd date,
Behind our backs when mom would stay up late.
It was near when I turned sixteen, 
Got kicked out of school, and so it seemed
that things were closing in and ready to blow,
My dad moved out about that year or so,
It took an hour to start a punk rock band
To offset my fucked up family land
And as I held my mom would start to cry
I swore ourselves a better life

If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn't change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank god
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine

I mean holy freaking crap! Who writes this?? This is pure beauty. Now go listen to the actual song. Your insides will melt out your ears and nose!

I want people to know that no matter what you are going through, remember that your life isn't the same as everyone else's. So just shut up and stop complaining so much about your problems. You aren't doing anyone any good. Now there is a time and place for everything I feel, you just gotta figure out when those are. But as a majority no one wants to hear about your problems. Unless they are very selfless and those people are hard to come by in this world. 

Tom. DeLonge. He knows how to get to the soul of a human. All you have to do is keep your head up, tell yourself a little lie every once and a while, but most of all keep that positivity! If you have to listen to this freaking song, why don't you?? Or start a rock band, or go serve someone! That always helps. Or eat a fudgesicle. Ugh that sounds so amazing. And thank your Heavenly Father that you're alive. Remember, you don't have to be. Really, think about it. You don't. It's all in His hands. The whole wide world  is yours! Scour off into your world and find your Tom or what ever you need. 

Beautiful people.

Today is a day that I am filled with gratitude. I had a hard week and I am still trying to work some things out but I am filled with the love of those around me and from my Father in Heaven.

Good people are hard to come by. But goodness have I met many in my life.

Ashley Camilla Applegate. My sister is one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. But it makes he determined. She is so strong willed and strong. She is so stinking smart too. I wish I had half of her brain. She can knock out a book in a day. And it's long long books that would take an average person a couple weeks. But no ash, she's a prodigy. Her voice is heavenly. She is so beautiful. When we grow old, I am so excited to be with her. I have a feeling she is going to one of those very snappy old people.

Laken Louis Ledek. I feel like our friendship is one of a kind. We were pushed together by our parents literally all the time, but the time when they finally gave up, senior year, we blossomed. She is someone that I will always turn to. She is so funny, and has this personality that is contagious. She is so beautiful. Her hair is so luscious and gorgeous, the same goes for her face. Her personality is one that you always want to be around, you can tell she has the Holy Ghost with her. She is so happy and cheerful it is addicting at times and I love her to death.

Caitlin Marie Buhler. She is one of a kind. Her spunkiness is going to take her places. She is one of the most insane girls I have ever met..but it works for her. It works very well. Caitlin, I feel like has gone through much more than she should have. She is such a sweet, loving girl and I am so very grateful I got to meet her. At first I thought she was going to steal my best friend. (I feel like an idiot saying that) but I really was genuinely afraid of that. But I have grown to love her. I want her spunky attitude and her strong wonderfulness. I hope Caitlin realizes someday her worth to this world. Or at least to mine. She most definitely lived just long enough to make an impact on my life. I love all that she is. Thank you Caitlin for showing me what I could become and showing me what it is to be a strong, beautiful, and marvelous girl. She is a fighter. A great sexy fighter.

Lucas Ogden. This kid. He's so stinking stubborn as well. Goodness I never realized how many spunky people I hang out with. But Lucas is one that I know he listens to me and he does intake it but in the end he will do what he wants. And no one will tell him differently. Lucas has so much to offer the world too. His mission is going to be one the most amazing things for him. I wish he would see his potential right now and realize that girls are not things that are a necessity. In fact all we are is a nuisance. But I know that is something that is not found out over night and it is a hard thing to realize. But Lucas, you are amazing dear. I am so glad that you have come into my life as well. I am glad that I got to be a bonkers part of your life as well.

To be continued...there are many people I need to do and I feel like doing this. It's great.

Love.

I love being hyper. It's one of the few moments when I am completely happy with everything that is going on and I become one of the weirdest people ever. I love dancing. I love feeling the music pulse through my body. That feeling is one of the best in the world. I have a friend who talked about dancing and she said that she likes it cause her brain completely shuts off and she just dances. So I thought well maybe I should try that, and ever since then I feel pretty darn sexy while I dance. It makes you feel alive and fantastic! Dancing is definitely something that should be experienced on a daily basis. I do do it alone or with the few that are privileged to see me but that's still enough.

I'm so glad that I have friends. You always seem to take things like them for granted. And I love old friends that never change. I love going to see them and feeling the way you did even if it has been years since you hung out. Everyone needs friends like these. Like Laken. And Jordan. And Tannie. These are people who I would dance in front of, who I would love to go on a cruise with, who I would love to be in my wedding (if that ever happens, ha!), who I would be hyper around. These are people who I know will be in my life because they have already been through so much with me it is going to be difficult for them to get rid of me. I am also glad for new friends. In the Muppets, Gonzo the Great once said, "There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met." Mallorie is that word that hasn't been invented yet. She's an old friend who I've met only a few months ago. College can really change that for a person I think. You can choose who you want to be with 24/7, not just at night or in the mornings at school it's all the time now. It's very surreal and life changing.

Another thing I love is adrenaline. I think that is why snowboarding has become such a prevalent part of my life. The rush you feel while hearing that crackle under your board that first run back. It's the most beautiful thing in the world. The excitement when you know that jump your'e about to hit is going to be a great one! Or even a bad one, that's more terrifying. Even when I hear beautiful music. That shock that just rockets down my body is indescribable. I get it most often when my sister sings. Her high notes, most of the time, were one of angels. I know she's use to hearing that all the time and I am not sure if she completely understands her power, but I hope she does before she loses it. Gosh I miss her. I also get it when Mckenon sings. Not always, but there are a few songs that just...mmmmm. It's mesmerizing.

Never forget to love. Sometimes, not too often, but sometimes I will meet people who are incapable of it. And it just pulls at my heart. Whether it be because of a childhood problem or just because that is in their nature. It's a terrible thing to see. So remember to love. And love often. I makes people like you better, and want to be around you more often.