Things have changed a bit since writing last. I have decided a couple things.
One: I have come to the conclusion that I have never had a "clean slate" when it comes to boys. So what I have decided is telling every guy that may have a crush on me or vis versa about the fact that I am still very much in love with my ex David Hartshorn and I can't/shouldn't have anything with anyone until I am able to give them all I have. And I don't think I will be able to until I let them go. I know how now. There is a part of me that has been changing since David left. I am learning...growing. I honestly think that a part of me is doing this because of David. Cause I...feel like I am being prepared or something...like I am learning all that I need to from him or about him. I know that this may all sound crazy. But I was thinking about the whole coincidence of finding his letters and I think about him everyday (as much as I try not to)...I don't think it is by chance these things keep happening. I think I am being told that someday I might be so blessed. Maybe not with him, but with someone. I know that I am learning though. I think also I am not done with David...I think that he may move on and if so...it might kill me, (that's me being selfish too) but I know that I will be okay. Because my main focus is on my Father in Heaven, and I know that He has told me to do this. To be able to focus on one person. One boy. Give him all of me.
I think I am able to do that because of the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven. He has given me that gift, and for that I am very grateful to Him.
Two: I love my Father in Heaven. I love the things that I am learning on this earth, about all of his creations, people, plants. But mostly plants. I feel close to Him when I am in class. While I am learning and understanding. I know that my life has taken a different turn because I am letting Him in again.
Three: I love my family. I know I have said this many times, but this time it is different. I know that they will love and support me no matter what. Even my father. I love my father. And the man he is now. I know that I will always know that too. My dad has shaped me no matter what I think. So Dad, thanks. I think you have done a good job. I love my mom too. Very much. I love her love for me, it is very unique to our relationship as it should be. I love my brother Joseph, I love his love for us too. Sometimes I know for a fact that my life is being touched by him specifically, so Bo-bo, thank you. I love you very much and forgive you for anything that has happened. I love you Hobo.
So that is it. I am still in love with David, but am focusing on that, and that alone. I have told every boy that, those are my feelings, and I have never done this. I know that I will be able to have a "clean slate" if I do it this way and things don't ever happen with David, which they might not, but that is what I am getting from Heavenly Father right now so that is what I am rolling with.
One: I have come to the conclusion that I have never had a "clean slate" when it comes to boys. So what I have decided is telling every guy that may have a crush on me or vis versa about the fact that I am still very much in love with my ex David Hartshorn and I can't/shouldn't have anything with anyone until I am able to give them all I have. And I don't think I will be able to until I let them go. I know how now. There is a part of me that has been changing since David left. I am learning...growing. I honestly think that a part of me is doing this because of David. Cause I...feel like I am being prepared or something...like I am learning all that I need to from him or about him. I know that this may all sound crazy. But I was thinking about the whole coincidence of finding his letters and I think about him everyday (as much as I try not to)...I don't think it is by chance these things keep happening. I think I am being told that someday I might be so blessed. Maybe not with him, but with someone. I know that I am learning though. I think also I am not done with David...I think that he may move on and if so...it might kill me, (that's me being selfish too) but I know that I will be okay. Because my main focus is on my Father in Heaven, and I know that He has told me to do this. To be able to focus on one person. One boy. Give him all of me.
I think I am able to do that because of the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven. He has given me that gift, and for that I am very grateful to Him.
Two: I love my Father in Heaven. I love the things that I am learning on this earth, about all of his creations, people, plants. But mostly plants. I feel close to Him when I am in class. While I am learning and understanding. I know that my life has taken a different turn because I am letting Him in again.
Three: I love my family. I know I have said this many times, but this time it is different. I know that they will love and support me no matter what. Even my father. I love my father. And the man he is now. I know that I will always know that too. My dad has shaped me no matter what I think. So Dad, thanks. I think you have done a good job. I love my mom too. Very much. I love her love for me, it is very unique to our relationship as it should be. I love my brother Joseph, I love his love for us too. Sometimes I know for a fact that my life is being touched by him specifically, so Bo-bo, thank you. I love you very much and forgive you for anything that has happened. I love you Hobo.
So that is it. I am still in love with David, but am focusing on that, and that alone. I have told every boy that, those are my feelings, and I have never done this. I know that I will be able to have a "clean slate" if I do it this way and things don't ever happen with David, which they might not, but that is what I am getting from Heavenly Father right now so that is what I am rolling with.
