You guys ever look back on your life and say to yourself..."when did all this happen?" How did I have time for all of these things. I know that for me, that question is asked way more frequently than it should be. I think looking back on things that I have gone through/done, I have had a pretty good life. I know that I am pretty okay with how it is turning out. I know that I still have some pretty good demons on my heels at all times, but I am also surrounded by many angels. The only problem I have come across recently is my war between the demons and angels. I know that I am going to be able to come out on top if I stay close to what I know to be true, but those demons know you so well, and the weakness's you have. For me, a weakness they have been hounding me on is my dear brother. Coming to grips with it all has taken me a long time, and I don't think I am still there yet nor do I think I will be there any time soon. That in itself scares the freaking crap out of me. Maybe someday I'll actually go crazy and not have to deal with all these petty human problems. At this moment, going crazy looks pretty great. But alas, I have so many obligations such as getting married to the love of my life, being a daughter, sister, friend, and sometimes enemy. (yes, you must fill the enemy roll sometimes too.)
Talking about Bo on here helps me somehow. So! The things I'm feeling...are like stars I can't fathom into constellations. (I love John Green) I know that I am happy. Mostly because of my fiancé. But I also know that I struggle with many things and I am afraid to put that on him. I know that we have talked about it, but sometimes I am not the best at communicating what I feel, we didn't do that communicating thing in my family very much, so I struggle with it. But, he doesn't so that is another why I am marrying this great guy. Another thing I have done so much is being fake happy, and it is starting to become a norm for me. It makes me feel distant and disconnected to all those around me. I know that this nothing I can do about it either. I miss being connected to all the people around me. Feeling a connection with all those I come in contact with. The older I get the worse I am about that. I struggle to connect with people now, to get to the core of a person. When in years passed I have been able to do that in about a week. When my brother passed away...lots of things happened, externally and internally. I am still struggling with both. I almost call Bo sometimes, and I dream about him often. I know that this is only natural. I mean he was my brother, but then I see his wife (bless her, I love her to death) I see her with the boys that she dates...and it is just the weirdest sight in the world to me. I once about had a break down in church, because I sat behind them and they were...just acting like a normal couple would. I think it was a combination of missing my fiancé and my brother who should've been there next to her. I about lost it..I, once again, had so many feelings pumping through my body that I didn't know what to think. (Those darn feelings keep messing with my flipping head) One problem I face this summer is working at a place that we worked last year together right before he left. I look back on those times and I am more than grateful for that summer I had with my brother.
I know that my life isn't bad by any stretch of the imagination, I am so very grateful for everyday I have had with the people/angels in my life. But I also know that struggling with anything guys, can be harder than we can imagine. I don't think I will ever be able to come to grips with Bo Bo. But sometimes I know that everything's going to be okay. I just hope that Bo is watching us, and is learning things for himself, because I know I am here. I miss him though.
